the misadventures of lei's little feet.......

almost at 26 weeks!

2012-01-21T21:41:00.000-06:00

Dear baby,
You are moving more and more everyday. So far, I've learned that you absolutely hate anything touching you. Your dad's hands or my own, you want off of you. Kinda crazy. Makes me think that whatever you'll grow up to be, you'll always have that bit of stand-offish/me in you!

I will see you in 14 weeks. Your room is almost ready. I've got your crib set up, I do have crib bumpers, but according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, crib bumpers could suffocate you. We got a stroller not too long ago and yesterday was the first day in weeks that we got opened and closed.

Counting down to see your face!

daddy's first flutter

2012-01-05T23:00:00.000-06:00

Dear baby,
As we are nearing 24 weeks, daddy caught me sitting on the couch, hand on stomach. I've been feeling you bit by bit every day. You seem to be more active at night - or my new theory is that throughout the day, I'm so busy with work and moving around that I don't notice those small flutters.
As I sat there, he placed his hand over the spot I told him you seemed to frequent.
The warmth of his hand made you excited. I kept telling him that you were even more active than the few moments before. He placed his cheek over my stomach and in a small brief instant, his head shot back up.
"What the...?" - that's your daddy's response of feeling you for the first time.
I must say, I should have captured the look on his face. It was more than priceless. We can not wait to feel more of those tiny flutters.

New Year's

2012-01-03T22:28:00.000-06:00

Dear baby,
As midnight rolled past us, your aunt Martha had this brilliant idea. She saw a picture of a name spelled out in sparklers. She wanted your name lit up.

A few choice words from your dad, a couple of practice runs from your other aunt Sandy - we got into position with our sparklers. The catch was that it was going to be a one shot thing as we would be out of sparklers should this fail. I practiced writing the "E" in the dark as fast and as concise as I can.

This is the type of craziness that you'll be surrounded with as you get older. Aunts who come up with something of the top of their heads and gathers everyone to do whatever it is they pictured in their head!

The result was fantastic! And I suppose I have to add this to your scrapbook since they'll be looking for this post in the future!

Happy New Year, little one ~

reflections of 2011

2011-12-31T16:31:00.000-06:00

I'm hours away from a new year and as I sit here on my couch, I can't help but think back and reflect.

I had my share of tears, joy and surprises throughout the year. In Feb, I learned to juggle the operation of 5 clinic with (what I consider) to be little or no success. I was tired all the time and was starting to get burned out from the job.

Come May, I went on two trips. I was invited by my director to go to Portland, Oregon and sit through the National WIC Association Conf. I got to see first hand what a future could look like in this business.

I went on a road trip to Disney World with my sister-in-laws and hubs. I never walked so much, but had so much fun!

At the point, we were flaky about having a child. We started trying around June, and by July - got pregnant!

Our fears were confirmed about being parents in September and a few weeks ago - found out we were having a girl!

We just set up her crib and its becoming even more real as the days go by. Between 15 to 18 weeks, we get to see what she looks like!

It's been a crazy/wonderful/fill in the blank type of year. I turned in my letter of intent to the director about going on the dietitic internship next year (class of 2013) and I'm scared about what next year will bring. But I think all in all - I've handled it well.

I started the year searching for GOD and even though I don't feel any closer to finding Him, the mere idea that I'm carrying a life.....that her story and her image has already been written....that two people can produce a SOUL - that's pretty close to finding out how heaven and eternity works.

I am more than blessed.

reality bites

2011-12-25T20:44:00.001-06:00

well, i wouldn't go as far as saying that. my reality has been filled with plenty of blessings. i am a lucky girl. i have had my shares of downs and tears like most, but overall, i'd say i'm lucky. truly.

last night, i spent the whole day cooking a feast. i had my turkey, corn casserole, buffalo chicken dip, green beans, mexican rice and carne guisada. all ready for my guests (sisters in law). i've cooked for them before, so this was nothing new. but it would be our first christmas together without our parents. my parents were having their annual christmas party while theirs was on their way to mexico for my mother in law's parents' 60th wedding anniversary. the sisters would fly out on tuesday.

it was nice and quiet. i enjoyed cooking and cleaning. we opened presents and talked about what Ellie would be like, who she'd look like the most.

this morning, i drove to my hometown and visited with my parents. my dad saw my growing belly and touched it trying to coax her to move for her lolo (grandfather in tagalog). my sister and i drove to a family friend's house for lunch and visited with two sisters and a boy whom we've known for most of our american life.....which is 20 years now.

it was strange and kinda nice. we talked about house payments, our jobs, mortgage, the costs of having a baby.....and yet, it seemed like yesterday, we five were out running around and playing hide-and-go-seek.

they say time flies especially when you have a child. my childhood seemed to be gone in the blink of an eye.

and yet, i'm incredibly humbled and blessed that for all of 20 years (give or take a missed year or two) i have had all my christmases with these lovely people. we've shared major holidays together and shared missed milestones with each other.

i hope Ellie grows up with a batch of kids that in 20 or 30 years, she can still sit down and talk about yesteryears and fears of tomorrows without fear of judgement. this is what homecoming feels like.

20 weeks!

2011-12-14T18:46:00.001-06:00

My name is Eleanor Reece - but my mommy will call me Ellie. I'm told I'm named Eleanor for my dad's love of mustang. Specifically, the 1967 Shelby Mustang GT500. Reece comes from my parent's love of Reese's peanut butter cups.

I like to move around in my mommy's belly. Sometimes, I get poked at - which I don't like, but I'm learning to poke back....which I don't think my mommy likes. One day, I'll come out and poke whoever kept doing that to me and see how they like it!

what i wish for you

2011-12-12T20:40:00.001-06:00

Dear baby,
I've slowly started a 'baby book' for you, but as you get older, you'll learn that life is chaotic and sometimes our best intentions are never realized.
Sometimes, I like to write - mostly about random thoughts, God-searching, hopes, dreams and wishes. This section is for you.
This morning, at my 20 week appointment, I found out what you are. I've waited and hoped that you would be a boy. But the surprise was that you are a busy body little girl. Casey, the sonogram tech, would find where you were and as soon as she was finish keying in something in the computer, you'd move positions again. She had to chase you from one end of the tummy to the other. Makes me wonder what energy you'll have when you come out!!
It's 13 days till Christmas and all I wish for you (right now) is that you come into this world healthy. You won't know this yet, but your parents have NO IDEA what they're doing. There will be people in your life - aunts, grandparents and cousins - who can't wait to meet you, hug you and love you.
That's all for now.
Love, mom
p.s. Your daddy's reaction to finding out your a girl? Well, he pretty much said "I just met my new boss today." You are already the apple of his eye and he already knows you'll have him wrap around your finger.

starting on my resolutions early

2011-12-08T21:04:00.000-06:00

and I must say, it's a SMART goal (specific-measurable).

~ Resolutions for 2012 ~

1.) Breastfeed exclusively for at least 6 months
2.) Run a 5k in November (CASA 2012) in 35 minutes or roughly 11:45 a mile
3.) Apply for the Texas WIC Dietitic Internship (deadline is June)
4.) Have only a $40/week allowable for myself to increase savings (starts now)
5.) Pay off student loan (roughly $13,000) in 11 months (November). Once paid off, I can buy a new car and if I get into the internship, this will be a more sweeter reward!

18 weeks!

2011-11-30T21:20:00.003-06:00

(taken at 11-30-11)

Apetite getting bigger! and 12 days (starting tomorrow) we get to find out what gummy bear is!!! I'm getting anxious and hope to start feeling him/her soon. Friends who are pregnant around the same time as me have already started feeling their tiny ones. I haven't felt anything, sadly. I heard the heartbeat so in that sense, I know its at least ALIVE...but I'd really like to start feeling something.

learning Gratitude

2011-11-23T18:51:00.001-06:00

tonight is my last night with the hubs before he takes off for his 7 day work stint starting tomorrow morning. so, i may be a little early in my thanksgiving celebration, but i realize that there are a lot of things i'm thankful for this year.

i am thankful that even without having him to celebrate with me tomorrow, we are more than blessed to have jobs. in this crazy economy that doesn't seem to have a happy ending - we've had steady paychecks.

i am thankful that (so far) i have had an "easy pregnancy" i haven't been too badly nauseated, vomitted only for a couple days - and the doc chalked it up to a stomach bug that was going around.

i am thankful that i have family that as crazy as they are and as often as they drive ME insane - that i am so close by to get their hugs, kisses and feel their love. my cousin just arrived here from the motherland (Phillipines) leaving her four children. my mom moved here when i was very young and very little of my childhood memory consist of her. now, i'm so grateful that i can call her and whine about pregnancy.

there are so many more:
a roof over my haad
comfy socks for my cold feet
a (tempermental) working car

a spring in my step

2011-11-10T19:10:00.003-06:00

Do you know why I love fall? Aside from the wonders of nature - falling leaves, browns, oranges and reds, thanksgiving, turkey, spiced pumpkin latte at starbucks?? Ok, so that last one isn't really on my list. I've been banned from Starbucks (my first love) by my current love (the hubs).

I love fall because I have absolutely NO EXCUSES to NOT RUN. It's perfect, breezy and slightly chilly. Hoodies, leggings and my favorite tennis shoes and I'm good to go. I walked 1.8 miles today and probably jogged about .25 mile. I wasn't exactly sure how the kid was going to take it. But it wasn't like September. It was still 90 plus degrees outside and after only going for a minute, felt like I could collapse at any second!!!

I did talk to my doctor at 9 weeks that I'm an "occassional runner" and if it was still ok to run when the mood strikes. She gave me the go ahead. I even started reading and researching books on running while pregant and for the most part, everyone gave it a go.

I am careful, so no worries. I had my 1 liter water bottle with me that I carried just in case I start my hot flash mid jog, but surprisingly, I was fine. I think tomorrow, I'm going to go a bit longer.

26 weeks to go!

2011-10-30T21:21:00.001-05:00

tomorrow starts my 2nd trimester. i really hope that the tiredness goes away.....actually, i'm not for certain if its tiredness or laziness that's the problem.

i can't believe that i've only got 26 weeks left in this pregnancy. it seemed like only yesterday, i was still wrapping my brain around the idea of being a parent. i've only got six and a half months to be really, really selfish and sadly, i've been too tired to care.

for a lot of women, this stage of pregnancy is filled with resounding energy......which is great since i haven't walked in a couple of weeks and really need to.

yesterday, i played (or rather attempted to play) tennis with the sister. every 10 minutes, i'd call time and rest. she hopes the 'kid' picks up a racket and teach me how to play! we later enjoyed the fall weather by walking and shopping through town......

and ended the day with a trip to krogers' to look around the produce section. i've been eating apples, carrots and bananas and have gotten really tired of eating them. i thought with the new hormones, i'd eat a fruit i didn't like before. i mean, i started eating tomatoes recently and i really HATE tomatoes.....anyways, i had some kiwi (yummy), papaya (not a fan), pomegranate (please message me how your supposed to eat one of these), peach (i know i'm in texas and not a peach fan - but these were beginning to grow on me) and plums (they were ok).

i picked up some bok choy - a favorite, but only my mom knows how to cook these the way i like it; green beans and spagetti squash.

at least for a short period, this gummy bear is getting a variety of different fruits and veggies! here's hoping he/she won't be as picky as mom!

Imitating Christ's Humility

2011-10-19T22:41:00.000-05:00

Asians are passive aggressive. We also secretly think we are better than everyone else. We are taught to be humble and serve others, at the same time, we are (subconciously perhaps) taught to do better, be better than anyone else. Hence the pressure to be perfect.

I gave up perfection when I learned to laugh at myself and look at my mistakes as lessons and gained experiences.

Humbleness.

verse 7 "but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant..."

Servitude.

When was the last time I helped someone just because they needed my help? The last time I volunteered for something without having to add that to my resume?

Verse 3: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."

I'm rereading my post and all I am reading is I.

Clearly humbleness is something I need to learn.

in Chains for Christ

2011-10-10T20:14:00.000-05:00

Week 2 of Abigails' Bloggin Bible Study. Reread Chapter 1 of Philippians.

I read this once, reread it outloud and scanned over it one more time. The thing that stood out was the word 'chains.'

Paul mentions this word four times in this chapter. What does being in chains mean? These were found at dictionary.reference.com
Chains - something that binds or restrains; bond: the chain of timidity, the chain of loyalty.
chains,
a. shackles or fetters: to place a prisoner in chains.
b. bondage; servitude: to live one's life in chains.

Paul is bonded for Christ. In Christ. He writes this letter and instead of complaining, of crying, of wanting to be FREE (as I would be doing), he is fully committed and fully engaged. He is proud that him living his life, being a servitude to Christ is better than.....he says even being with Christ....for the simple reason that others can see Christ in Him. and "Because of my chains, most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly" - verse 14.

It's so much easier to say we believe in Christ, but not act on it. It's so much easier to dip your toes in baptism, but not be summerged. So much easier to say we are bonded with Christ, but not want the literal chains to go with it.

Here I am struggling with my own spiritual connection and there are people who are my age, younger, older, women, men...children...across the world in captivity, in CHAINS for Christ.

So a simple conversation with someone about Christ shouldn't scare me. I should be honored to be able to spread the word free of chains, but still be BONDED with Christ.

Philippians

2011-10-02T14:41:00.000-05:00

I've been looking for a Bible study and was pleasantly surprised and delighted that Abigail decided to start one!

For this week, we are to read Philippians. I read this book it seems like a million years ago. My bible had little post it notes, highlighted what I thought to be important then and starred different verses throughout this short book...well, letter actually.

During my read, I stopped every so often and wondered why I highlighted that particular verse or commented on a certain word.

It feels like a total stranger wrote all these notes.

A stranger who at that point in time really pondered which side they belonged on. Verse 1:15 "It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill."

In bold black ink were the words, which one are you?

Funny, at a time in my life where I clearly knew where I stood, I had to ask myself that question. And now where I sometimes don't know what to do and have days where I look for answers.......it seems more haunting, I think. My 21 year old self is asking my 29 year old being where is it now that I belong to? Am I still with Christ? or have I completely done a 180 that I am almost unrecognizable to myself and to Him? Do I talk about Christ out of envy with others knowing that they are where they should be and I am not? Have I started to talk about Him out of rivalry that 'haha you can not possibly know what it's like to be with Christ, but let ME tell you what MY experiences ARE?

Shame. Guilt. But in a small post it 'don't be ashamed - as long as you are both talking about Him?' Verse 1:18 "But what does it matter? The important thing in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached."

Verse 3: 13-14 "......But one thing I do. Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Yes, at one point, I did walk in the light and had friends who obeyed and exuded such love and understanding. I need to remember those moments of clarity and for once, peace.....I need to forget about what had happened in the 8 years. Eight years of selfishness, of fighting with God, of wondering, of bargaining.

There was this goal once. And somewhere in my heart, that goal has never left me. Otherwise, I wouldn't continue to look and search for Him.

What do your actions say about you? Which side are you on? IS your goal still TOWARDS HIM?

dancing gummy bear

2011-09-27T19:05:00.001-05:00

i don't think i'll look at a mini-gummy bear the same way! here's my first ultrasound pic....at 9 weeks, the 'kid' apparently was moving his/her hands and feet. dancing to the beat of its own drums already. here's a pic, and to blur out some of my info, i added that wonderful little 'i heart u' up top.

i still don't know what i feel or how to wrap my mind around being a P-A-R-E-N-T.

10 years later

2011-09-25T18:26:00.000-05:00

my high school reunion was this weekend. i actually enjoyed high school. i had an amazing group of friends, spent enough time on stage, on the football field and in the library. i was a dork and 10 years really hasn't changed all that.

if you've never been to yours, you're not really missing much. while it was nice to see some people, the cliques that grouped us - defines us still.

i arrived with a friend and we just stood barely inside the pavilion in the park. the ones that came up to us to give us hugs were our old friends and classmates that greeted us the same way 10 years ago.

and the ones that ignored us and kept to themselves? 10 years later, there is still a cool table and no matter how successful you are, you will never be a part of that.

i didn't go to the actual night shinding. i didn't really need to. the picnic spoke volumes. while, i'm sure not of the coldness were intentional, its hard to erase 10 years of acting a certain way and being a certain way.

the nice ones will always be the nice ones. the mean ones, well....some stayed mean, others got nicer.

so it begins

2011-09-20T20:46:00.000-05:00

Season Premier of the Biggest Loser. I love, love this show. Everytime it comes on, I always make a little promise to myself to lose weight right along side with the contestants.

Every season, I give up not even halfway.. I dont think I ever make it to the "make-over" round. Which is sad! I'm maybe a third of some of these contestants and by the end of the season, I weigh more than they do!

I sit and watch with my chips and cookies. I hooray and tear up.

And I get pumped to go. Until something distracts me that I am no longer the interested viewing party as much as the half-hearted fan.

Now that I AM finally at the right mindset.....here I am preggos. I watch what I eat and count my vegetables and fruit intake like its going out of style and I can't make myself drink less than 2 cups of water a day!

Its funny that something like this, pregnancy or tradegy brings the correct motivation in us.

Sad, but at least its not too late. I AM going to be healthier for this kid. I've got 8 months .........and the rest of my life.

Burning Hope

2011-09-18T21:52:00.001-05:00

i went to a baptist church today. i stopped hesitating about being invited to churches since clearly, i am in need of a community and joel osteen's tv sermons aren't really doing much for my spirit.

i was invited by a coworker and we drove thirty minutes in. the. RAIN. after weeks of drought, weeks of prayers and texas wildfires, we got RAIN!

which is funny when we drove through it....there were crazy texas drivers out there who forgot what it was like to drive in the rain. of course, you haven't seen anything yet until you see a texan drive with ice on the ground during "winter."

i was greeted with a busling of people standing by the church doors looking in amazement at the downpour. by the time we got dry and seated, i recieved tons of hugs.

im not a hugger.

and this put me in an awkward position having to half-heartedly return hugs. i felt like the kids who were giving strangers hugs. slight tap and a hurried escape.....but there were so many ones who held on tight and kisses on the cheeks, it took me by surprise.

here i was hugging strangers while they were hugging friends.

pastor jim came to the pulpit and said a spirit filled prayer about the rain. worship songs played soon after and i stood there taking everything in.

i listened to the sermon and paid attention to the voice inside my heart about how i was truly feeling.

i was moved, that much was true.
i had a small fill of what community would be like and could be like.

what an appropriate name for a church. sometimes in life you have community, you have faith and other times you are stricken with loneliness and doubt. but somewhere in there is an ember.....just enough to light the Fire.

a burning hope of a disciple.

Lion King

2011-09-17T22:04:00.000-05:00

17 years ago (1994), i saw this amazing classic at the movies. its crazy that this afternoon, i got to take my nieces (a sassy 10 year old who didn't want to see it, a 6 year old who would jump at doing anything with me and a 5 year old who's so nonchalant, its funny)

the songs i could still remember singing. took me back to the crazy days of 6th grade and being a part of the jonathon taylor thomas fan club.

i'm so glad they loved it and i was surprised that there were parts i remember tearing up a bit as a 12 year old and now as a 29 year old! (or maybe its the pregnancy hormones)

9-11: a decade later

2011-09-11T18:23:00.001-05:00

ten years have passed and while i am no where near nyc and have had no family or friends who were a victim in the attacks - the memories from that day still lingers.

i was a freshman in college. my class was about to start and the second plane had just hit the towers. i remember thinking this looked so fake and looked like a movie preview that it didn't really faze me.

by the time i sat in class, the professor (it was history, i think) asked us to sit in silence for a moment. at that point, the towers had collapse.

in the hallways, was this grim silence. i called my sister - then a flight attendant - but the cell towers were busy with calls. my family was panicky and glued to the tv to make sure chicago or houston flights weren't affected.

my niece was born a couple of months before and i remember thinking, what a world to be born in. of course, i also thought about my life and how different i'd look at the world and thinking what a world i was about to embark in.

for a few good weeks, i did think about joining the armed forces. i had plans on being a navy nurse at one point in my life.

i haven't looked at any memorials broadcasted today. i don't think i want to.

sadness envelops a person and one day, they become a ghost of who they used to be. i don't understand what they were going through and what loss and pain they've experienced.

but i mourned and cried right along side the families. i cheered when i heard that flight 93 fought and won.

heroes.

that word and its meaning have been ubiquitous for a decade. i associate that word only to the firemen, the brave soldiers, the citizens who sacrificed their lives for the country. the epitomy of what was new york city.

hard to believe that 10 years have gone. my niece celebrated her 10th birthday and my high school reunion is in two short weeks.

to the families of that fateful day.......i will never forget...and thank you to those that fought and those that are fighting still for my freedom.

my first prenatal appointment

2011-09-09T20:17:00.000-05:00

apparently i'm going to have many 'firsts' - first (hehe) for eight months throughout the rest of this pregnancy and second, well....for the rest of this kid's life.

i've had so many experiences since starting this blog four years ago. lost friendships, gained momentum in my studies, figured out who i was and then lost what i thought i wanted to be. fell in love, got married. graduated. homeless, broke. success. prayers answered.

i wanted to initially write my blog to figure out how i felt about religion and the missteps i know i'd have along the way. i wanted to feel like somewhere in this blogosphere were people who would help me get to where i'm supposed to be.

i believe (and still do) that God uses everyone in all possible sense and different scenarios to better you, strengthen you and help lead the way to Truth.

now i gotta figure all that out and sort it out before the end of april.

and this blog will become a recording of this little mexican/filipino hybrid's different adventures.

so - my first appointment went well, i suppose. i am at 7 weeks, estimated due date on april 24, 2012.

when we got to the questions part, i pulled out my little notebook and asked the doc twelve questions i've been thinking about since i first found out.

so officially, here's to my (and the hubs) next (mis)adventures.

oh, Texas - I can smell fall

2011-09-05T16:59:00.001-05:00

it's a wonderful 80-something degree outside. the wind picks up every now and then and i can sense the magical change of autumn in the air.

i love this weather. this season. this time of the year. we'll have pumpkins decorated for halloween and turkey on our table before long.

this is also the perfect time to run and kickstart my active lifestyle. i do not need to change anything, as far a caloric intakes go. in my 2nd trimester, i'm supposed to add 350 calories a day and in my 3rd, its 450 calories.

i never bought that whole "eating for two," stuff. i am determined that for my weight range (and yes, i'm still in the obese category) to gain no more than 10 - 12 pounds.

at last weigh in, i was at 170.4

early symptoms and plausible deniability

2011-08-30T07:41:00.002-05:00

my first prenatal appointment is next friday. in the meantime, i'm still pretending i'm not pregos....never mind that i have to get up a few times in the middle of the night to pee, that my 1st love of my life (coffee) is making me sick and my favorite sleeping position - on my tummy - is becoming my enemy and hurting my boobs.

my equally selfish husband and i will sometimes sit in silence about the idea that our world that we believed revolve around ourselves is going to revolve around a little brat.

i still look at babies the same. i don't want to hold them and the very thought of changing diapers makes me cringe.

so, Universe - one question: when does the 'motherhood' bug kick in?

during the first kick? the first time i see it's eyes open? the moment i no longer refer to 'it' and say 'baby?'

i'm trying to take good care of myself in the meantime, researching all i can, but i'm starting to doubt google when i read about all these teenagers posting about their symptoms.....this kid is going to stay a virgin until wedding night.

so maybe, there is this life growing inside me. suffice it to say that it freaks me out A LOT.

who's really ready for a baby, anyway??

do two positives make a baby?

2011-08-24T23:07:00.003-05:00

These past couple of weeks, I haven't been feeling like myself. The hubs and I have been joking about pregnancy and when the day I was supposed to have my period came and went....the joking stopped.

What are we going to do? How are we going to make it?

Granted, we are older than most first time mothers. These days at the clinic, I see moms with 4 or on their 5th child and they're years younger than I am! The worldview and opinons and goals between them and I are more than miles wide. Sometimes, I feel like I do need to experience parenthood in order to make our counseling sessions better.

I took two pregnancy tests yesterday. The first one apparently was "broken" and the second one, well....let's just say that I didn't have that much pee left in me and 5 seconds is pretty long hovered over a toilet all the while trying to pee into a stick.

Sorry for that awful picture.

2nd test was a dud too.

This afternoon, the hubs surprised me with another set of pregnancy tests. The first one - positive. Okay, breathe.

Second one - positive.

For some reason, I'm still trying to grasp this concept and have been on wiki and google, babyfit, the nest, etc. on their thoughts and opinions on how accurate pregnancy tests really are.

I suppose tomorrow my first and only goal is to call to see a doctor. 2nd thing is bite the bullet and swallow that thing they call 'prenatal' vitamins.

august - 5 months until another year and still no community.

2011-08-14T19:40:00.001-05:00

so here we are. it's august, already. i didn't even have a post about my birthday last month!

i've been listening (via tv - isn't technology great sometimes?) to joel osteen's sermons on most sundays.....i don't think this is what rick warren meant when he said 'cultivate community.' - if you live far from a church (this is hypothetical as i do realize that i live in the bible belt) and all you have is a television program that lasts roughly 30 minutes, can you count that as being a member of a church? or just a witness to a program that just happens to be evangelical in nature?

i've subscribed to however many blogs on Christianity. and i feel no closer to Him that if i didn't do any of these things. maybe the energy of the people praising and worshiping is the spark that you need to be a little closer?

although, technically, does it really matter? as long as you have your Bible in hand and you've opened it, reading through the verses and trying to follow the story.......

and if you need someone to pray for you - technology has facebook that you can message a friend miles and miles away and ask for help......or people at work, random strangers can offer up a prayer for you.

but where's the community? and do you really need it?

19: cultivating community

2011-06-29T20:02:00.000-05:00

point to ponder: community requires commitment.

verse to remember: "We understand what love is when you realize that Christ gave his life for us. That means we must give our lives for other believers." 1 John 3:16 (gwt)

question to consider: how can i help cultivate today the characteristics of real community in my small group and my church?
- first of all, i need a small group, never mind a church!

this entire section is going to stump me and (i suppose is the point) giving me a lot of things to consider......can't you have faith without community?

18: experiencing life together

2011-06-26T19:54:00.000-05:00

i haven't read Rick Warren's A Purpose Drive Life in a while....i just realized its actually been 2 months. so here we are...

point to ponder: I need others in my life.
~ i will admit that having a hubs for a week every other week does get lonesome. i wind up driving to my hometown an hour away just to strike a conversation...and usually its with sisters, nieces. family.

verse to remember: "Share each other's troubles and problems, and in this way obey the law of Christ." - Galatians 6:2 (nlt)

question to consider: what one step can i take today to connect with another believer at a more genuine, heart-to-heart level?
aside from leaving the house and actually putting myself out there? i think opening my heart to strangers and actually putting myself on the line for success or failure or humiliation?.....that's the one and biggest step i need to take for myself and for my faith.

june already?

2011-06-14T19:32:00.002-05:00

time for working out!
35 pounds needed to lose before high school reunion in sept?
uhh....

maybe not, but between here and there, i could def work out a lot more and pay careful attention to what i'm putting in.

170.8 as of 6/13/2011
can't run a mile without stopping

animal kingdom

2011-05-23T21:51:00.001-05:00

saw a lion sleeping, tigers pacing and monkeys just hanging out.
ate at asia, donned a safari hat in africa and almost fell asleep looking for nemo.

tomorrows agenda:
ride the teacups
hug goofy
and take a picture at a castle

blogging on i-20, florida

2011-05-22T17:08:00.000-05:00

i had a perfectly lovely day at the beach today.... the sands against my toes, sounds of the waves crashing in the background, blue waters for miles.....

with these talks of impending end of the world, i am as close to paradise here on earth.

later tonight, ill be surrounded by one of the greatest childhood imagiations brought to life. ill be in search of my old friends, mickey, donald and goofy... ill see if i can ride some dragons with harry, go on a safari ride and plan a trip to the moon.

im very blessed. and im ready to see God.....

im just thankful i get to spend a few more days with friends of mine...

misadventures in portland

2011-05-07T11:20:00.000-05:00

while waiting for the streetcar, these fallen flowers on the side of the road, was just too beautiful to ignore.....

having fun in the streetcar....

i logged an average of 3 miles in the morning exploring the city. while i doubt i'd ever live here (the people i met where friendly, but not 'texas' people) - it was a wonderful little visit.....

this month's lesson is PERSERVERANCE

2011-05-06T17:10:00.000-05:00

i'm days back from my trip from Portland and i have no idea what or how i'm supposed to learn perserverance. i've been driving back and forth from my home to a clinic about 45 minutes from here....and i must say, if i haven't learned perservance from this.....i don't know how.

If We Are The Body - Casting Crowns (Live From Atlanta)

2011-04-20T20:48:00.000-05:00

this goes along from my post below.

17: a place to belong

2011-04-20T20:44:00.001-05:00

(word of warning: if you don't want to be offended, please skip post)
a place to belong. that's the golden "ticket" isn't it? catholics, baptists, mormoms - they all have Jesus' teachings in mind, all have the same mission statement to go out into the world and preach....but which of these will lead you to heaven?

as a girl who have come into the world of Christ - how is she supposed to choose?

if i'm a called to BELONG.....where am i supposed to belong to?

i have friends who are as southern baptist as they come. i grew up catholic. i knew a guy who was a mormon. in college, i went in search for the Truth. i went to a Church of Christ, Denton Bible (non-denominational), a Baptist church, St. Marys, the Vineyard. i felt Christ everywhere.

of course, this was back in the day where i mentioned before that i practically 'glowed with Christ' - you could take me anywhere and wherever i went i just felt Him.

i suppose that's the KEY....that no matter where you belong to...at least you belong somewhere. you belong to a church that is supposed to be a model of Christian love. period.

a place to worship and praise Christ and be encouraging and supporting of each other.

i have not found such a place.

i have been to a church and literally felt every eyes on me. i have been to a place where i felt so uncomfortable with the 'freedom' of another's worship that i had to remove myself at once.

in the Bible (and please, stop me if i'm wrong) where does it say that i need to belong to a catholic church, a baptist church or wherever.

the older i get, the more.....i want to step FARTHER from a church. ANY church. i don't like a church if they say anything negative about another church....who are YOU to judge? who are YOU to say your pillar is so much closer to Gods?

and then i get depressed for thinking those things and i don't go back. i'll be honest, i haven't been to a church since new years. i love most services and i can tell you the best sermons i've ever had the pleasure of listening to.

verse to remember: "In Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others." Romans 12:5 (niv)

so in this chapter (17 of Rick Warren's A Purpose Driven Life), i am asked what my church involvement is.

i don't have any.

i understand that a church is there to strengthen your faith and encourage your walk with Christ. i know the devil is out there and he will wait until you are by yourself to tempt and steer you away. with what's happening with the world, i know that NOW is NOT the TIME to GIVE up on CHRIST.....

and i haven't....i BELIEVE with all my heart and i cannot wait for the day of HIS arrival. i have FAITH that whatever happens, it is for HIS purpose, HIS will and therefore it is good and grand and better than you or i could ever imagine.

no, during these times of feeling even HIS absence, i have my FAITH that i will find Him in the deepest parts of my soul.....He's never left me. i have FAITH and HOPE in HIM.

......i don't have hope in church.

un-breakable

2011-04-17T18:11:00.000-05:00

i'm a worry wart. i was accident prone as a child which lead my parents to further scrutinize ever corner, every item. is it too sharp? is that too heavy? does the pool have a lifeguard? do you want us to bubblewrap your room (i'm making this last one up, but you get the picture)

growing up, my younger sis was the tomboy. she got into everything, a natural athlete, she had great balance and good footing. me? not for lack of trying. i wanted skates and good a few bruises. i wanted skateboards and wound up with concrete burns. i wanted a barbie bike and had to "retire" after two broken arms.

my parents motto was always "try and try until you die." never give up, chin up, head up - you can do it!.....

unfortunately, they made an exception for me. i did karate as a kid and loved it! at some point where we had to break a board......and i couldn't. all my dad said was, 'its ok. you might have hurt yourself, anyway.' so i left.....my sister? she left too, after recieving her 2nd degree black belt!

i always had this fear.....and my parents helped feed it to me: YOU ARE BREAKABLE

nevermind that my sister had a few collapse scenes at the tennis court (due to dehydration), tendonitis, shinsplits, etc.... every injury she met with tenacity. no one ever told her to stop because it may hurt later. she kept pushing through.....that no-fear attitude got her through 4 years of collegiate tennis as a slc champ and mvp two years in a row.

a few weeks ago, i twisted my knee after a walk. this entire time, i've met every walk with caution. a few days ago, i started to see a glimpses of what i was missing out because of this fear.....girls started running past me on a walk. a friend after a walk sprinting up the bleachers.....my sister (and running buddy) breaking away from me to do sprints....everyone wondered if i'd ever run again.

for a good while, i wondered too.

this idea that at 28 years young - i was still 'breakable' is NUTS! period, nay exclamation point.

this morning, i did my motivation collage (finally) and as i was cutting pictures of athletes, going through my runnersworld magazine.......i started to miss the feel of my feet hitting the concrete, miss controlling my breathing against the wind......missed the quietness and power of a good run.

i thought about my knee. i thought about a million little excuses, but as the old saying goes, "how do you know until you try?" how do i know that i'm NOT breakable? how do i know that i can't run?

i won't unless i get out there.

oh, how beautiful this day was, my friends. i tentatively hit my stride - and yes, i stopped after a quarter of mile, but i picked it back up again after a few resting periods.

2 miles later, i did feel a little twinge on my left knee, but i was able to stretch it out and i don't feel any pain. just SATISFACTION.

satisfaction that i can get back up after i'm down.........

my done statement

I'm DONE being thought of as 'breakable'
I'm DONE believing that I'm not allowed to get back up
I'm DONE listening to my inner quitter
I'm DONE living into my fears

tomorrow, i'm going to go out there again....

i'm letting go

2011-04-15T16:49:00.003-05:00

the beast died out on me yesterday on my way home....my mother in law dropped off the hubs' old mustang...battery died this morning on my way to work....i'm glad i've got a good sense of humor, otherwise, i'd be hysterical right now!! LOVE HER!! saw her in concert and this is pretty much my theme song right now...i'm letting go....we can't all have good "plan b's"

16: all you need is love

2011-04-14T22:10:00.000-05:00

point to ponder: life is all about love.

verse(s) to remember:
"The entire law is summed up in a single command: "love your neighbor as yourself." Galatians 5:14 (nlt)

"No matter what I say, what I believe and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love." 1 Corinthians 13:3b (msg)

"Love menas living the way God commanded us to live. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is this: Live a life of love." 2 John 1:6 (ncv)

question to consider: honestly, are relationships my first priority? how can i ensure that they are?
i.had.an.awesome.childhood. sure, my parents and i had our moments where i yelled and cried...but really, who didn't? aside from the times where my mom moved to the states and left us for a bit (traveling nurse thing) - i never spent a moment without family... i may not remember every detail, but they were there. all of them.....i never knew a band practice or dress rehearsal without my parents being there. i'm sure as i got a bit older, i may have gotten a bit embarrassed by their presence, but....i could always count on them for being there. with the people in my life now, i try to make as much time and effort to see them....this weekend, i saw a friend i haven't seen in a while. a few months ago, i dropped by friends who were new parents...distance doesn't matter quite as much. a phone call or a text message still can act like a link to your life and theirs. i also never knew how fast CHILDHOOD was until i see my nieces grow before my eyes. i want them to stay as young and innocent as possible....its funny isn't it? when we're young we can't wait to get all 'grown-up' and when we get... here...i wish that i was still a kid again!!!

acceptance

2011-04-12T22:25:00.001-05:00

i'm still reading a book called 'the happiness project' by gretchen ruben. overall, i'm very happy. with the rising gas prices, i'm blessed to have a job that pays my mileage. i'm blessed to have a job. period. my relationship with my hubs hasn't changed. we still act silly around each other. we still have the same goals and dreams for ourselves as well as for each other. (and we still haven't abandoned our plans to take over the world)

anyway, in her book, she breaks down her goals for herself in these small 1 per month goals. i did the same with my resolutions. for this month, my resolution was (is) to learn acceptance.

acceptance - defined as a person's agreement to experience a situation, follow a progress or condition without attempting to change it, protest, or exit.

if i claim to be happy, then why do i need to learn acceptance?

well, dear friends - if you must know:

Acceptance over things I cannot control
Acceptance over people I cannot control
Acceptance over mistakes - past, present and futures
Acceptance over my imperfections
Acceptance over my want and will and hope and dream to continue to walk with Christ - at the pace I'm walking and not at the push and pull of another

Acceptance that every day is literally a brand new day, a chance to wipe my slate clean
Acceptance that the only thing in life that I can "control" is what I put in my body
Acceptance that the other thing in life that I can "control" is how I use my energy

Acceptance. I accept that I am me and I AM going to be the best me that I can be (and God and my mommy will still love me)

Acceptance that I will have bad days, good days, days that make me sing in Praise, and days that will make me wonder where God's Hands were in the middle of things

Acceptance that where there are temptations, there are options
Acceptance that there are days I need help
Acceptance that there days that I need LOTS of help

Acceptance that I may truly not the happiest that I could be and the only person that could truly change that ....is the person in the mirror.

15: formed for God's family

2011-03-27T11:23:00.000-05:00

God is the One who made all things, and all things are for his glory. He wanted to have many children share His glory. Hebrews 2:10a

point to ponder: I was formed for God's family

verse to remember: "His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ." Ephesians 1:5a (NLT)

question to consider: How can I start treating other believers like members of my own family?

Family: people who are closest to you who knows your intimate secrets. people who are the quickest to judge your failures and bank on your success. people who gave birth to you. people who have cried over losses with you. people who deny you. people who envelope you in warmth and love. people who push you away. bring you down. lift you up. people.

what is a family to me? i argue, mostly for the sake of arguments. i whine and plead. cry and scream. my family is a reflection of me. we look ragged. we look strong. we look like we don't belong in the same room. we look like we can't spend a day apart.

a Christian family. a family of believers. while, its wonderful and awesome to be a part of His family - i sometimes feel like i don't know what i'm doing and i don't belong there. i feel eyes bearing their judgemental stares and i am moved by others' presences and love. what a dichonomy!

we are definitely children. all these fighting for His attention, His love and trying to "one up each other" - what a waste!

i can say that i can start treating people - regardless of whether they are a part of my family - with love and kindness. everyday would be struggle....but then again, isn't that the point?

it's really hard to be a part of a family that is broken into different cliches. hard to choose the right one....

but if we are all believers in Christ, as God says - then we are in His family...

14: When God seems distant

2011-03-23T20:51:00.001-05:00

point to ponder: God is Real, no matter how I feel.

Verse to Remember:
"For God has said, 'I will never leave you; I will never abandon you." - Hebrew 13:5(TEV)

question to consider:
How can I stay focused on God's presence, especially when He feels distant?

Japan. Lay-offs. Hurricanes. Earthquakes. Around me I hear pregnancy news, death, weddings, baptisms. You can bet God is there. For every destruction and misery, there is a small twinge of hope. A hope that it gets better. That there is an end. A light at the end of the tunnel. He is there, somewhere between belief and reason.

In 2003, I asked to be 'saved' - a prayer that Christians utter to let Jesus come into their lives. "Mold it, change it, do what You will to my heart and life." I felt such a high from feeling His presence. I glowed.

Fast forward and here we are. Every so often, I think 'huh, is that You, Lord? Where have You been?' and I can't feel that same connection.

But I keep charging. There is that Hope that one day I will feel Him again....and that's what keeps me going.

my favorite song at the moment:
Casting Crowns's Glorious Day

Living, He loved me
Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away
Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming
Oh glorious day, oh glorious day

tiny miracles

2011-03-16T22:42:00.000-05:00

we are selfish beings! we think nothing bad can happen to us and when it does, we place blame on anyone and everyone. we go through life thinking of how 'perfect' our world is and by morning, somehow - its no longer sunshine smiling down on us. we feel cold, hear the thunder. gray and black clouds blankets our mood and eventually seeps into the tiniest cracks in our souls.

we question and question, 'what does it all mean?' or 'where are we headed?' when surely that answer is staring at us in the face.

the end is coming. whatever you call it, the 'apocalypse,' or 'rapture.' we see the devastation, hear the cries and moan with the rest of the world. and yet, we do nothing.

we sit, we wait. we go through starbucks drive thru, throw a fit over the rising gas prices. there's just too much going on and not enough energy to expend on anything but ourselves.

this is beyond us.

whatever is happening around us is beyond our comprehension. we need to start listening to that tiny, tiny voice in our hearts.

The Lord is Coming.

do you know where you stand?

where's the beef?

2011-03-01T22:23:00.001-06:00

i read the Kind Diet by Alicia Silverstone and i must say, what an eye-opener! i can't look at meat the same way.....its a shame though, my nose and taste buds beg to differ.....

i haven't had beef in a week - haven't had chicken in 10 days! i've been trying out different types of beans and flavoring different types of grains. i even bought some organic peanut butter (haven't tried), flaxseed (still in the packaging) and thai chips (yum!)

i actually do love veggies....i just don't know how to cook them! i made some eggs over asparagus once (seen on a 5 ingredient fix show) and nothin' - needed more seasonings, or something.

i'm not a huge fan of salads, but i love green beans, baby spinach and grew up on bok choy.....i just wish someone would cook them for me!

the hubs wasn't particularly interested in the Kind Diet and all the info i've been spouting about.....for every claim i read, he countered.

kinda hard to impress a genius, i suppose.

but i was super excited to come home today and found him slow cooking some beans and making me some lime rice. as we sat down for dinner, he commented, "you know, i haven't had meat in two days because of you."

Excellent! i beamed

"how long are you planning on keeping this up?"

he didn't look interested in his beans and rice. i can't blame him. like i mentioned, my nose buds are really on tease mode! my coworkers bought a sausage sandwich...not a fan of sausage...wouldn't eat it even if i didn't give up meat...but man! it seemed so delish...barbequed sausage.....

i don't know how long i'm going to "keep this up" and i haven't noticed any differences as far as weight....i am drinking more water and counting my food intake.......

and my dreams of ribeye steak is slowly subsiding....

a beautiful disaster

2011-02-06T22:45:00.000-06:00

during the coldest times in east texas, i come home to find the hubs staring off into space. his grandfather had just passed.

and our trek to mexico (his family's hometome of guanajuato) began.

i've never been to a funeral. never seen a dead body.

his grandfather to me was a quiet, soft spoken man. he had a funny laugh and a simple view of life. a cowboy who wanted nothing more in life than seeing his family be happy, and making sure his goats and cattle were tended to. he had a great voice - he sang at our wedding, a small man with this big voice.

i don't even remember thursday. we landed, drove an hour to the ranch and the initial shock of seeing casket blew me away. i was offered a moment to see him and say my goodbye.

i never made it. i don't think i can see anyone in that state.

death has never scared me. and funerals, wake and various memoriam isn't for the dead. its for the people left behind to say whatever it is that they needed to say....whatever took so long for us to say it is whatever it is...always confounds us.....all the what-ifs go through our heads and we are never really happier to see them leave this awful place as much as we are full of regrets of all the things that we wished we could have done or said....

no, funerals are for the living to make peace with the dead.

that's my theory anyways. and what do i know, this was my first.

friday i got to see a little bit of the town closest to the ranch - san luis de la paz. i sat in at their church service and thought about last month's goal. God is still missing. is He here?

i could only look at the periwinkle casket with black brass handles.

at the center where he lay, was a sky light. every now and then, clouds would roll by darkening the church for a bit. the mariachi played to some hymnal. old ladies shuffled forward during their communion. i can smell the dirt and musk of sweat as they walked by.

afterwards, we followed the hearst down to the cemetary. i walked a few feet behind the family. the mariachi played and sang on. a few passerbys would stop, take their hat off and as we passed them, would go on their business. others just kept walking, unblinking....as if death around here was more commonplace than anywhere else.

is God here in the streets? it was a beautiful day. clouds were thick, few and far in between. the wind would blow cold air every now and again, but my scarf and jacket warmed me. we would walk for 2 miles past the church.

the last time i was in a cemetery was a few months ago. and that was on a 5k course run. i'm not a fan of them - really, who is?

i hadn't cried or shed a tear until the moment where all the brothers and sisters stood by their father and the casket closed forever.

i love my dad....and i can clearly see and feel the heart breaking in a million pieces. i could not imagine for a minute......

God is here, somewhere. amidst the cement and dirt. in the families holding each other. in the music doing its last refrain.

and i felt God on saturday. after the service, the sun setting on the desert. i sat with his family and memories of their grandfather poured out. that was the first time they laughed in days.

mexico was a 'beautiful disaster.' i wished i was there for different and happier reasons. i'm glad that his family got to say their peace and will always have good memories of him to take back home.

and after surveying the land - all the cactus, the shrubery, trees and rocks. i can see the ghost of a cowboy sitting under a tree watching his sheeps and cattle.

~ i'm dedicating this blog to that tiny cowboy ~
Salvador Martinez - 1929 - 2011

song of songs

2011-02-01T22:36:00.000-06:00

its feb and the weather knows it. outside is a very very chilly 25 degrees. tomorrow, its supposed to be 19 degrees!! this makes this texan (and i'm sure many others) anxious and dreading the workday. if only i worked for an isd - i would love to have a snow day and not wake up until noon tomorrow!

but that is not the case, sadly.

song of songs - also known as song of solomon - will be dissected. its the more romantic writing in the Bible and since this is my "love month" only fitting.

i am already blown away by the first chapter. who talks like this anymore? "I like you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh." (1:9) - a kings' mare. majestic, beautiful, strong. fitting horse only for a king!

there's so many many more in this chapter - crazy. hopefully, i can join in with the spirit and be just as descriptive about someone i love.

13: God wants all of me

2011-01-30T20:14:00.002-06:00

point to ponder: God wants all of me

verse to remember: Love the Lord with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. Mark 12:30 (NIV)

question to consider: which is more pleasing to God right now - my public worship or my private worship? what will i do about this? - i do "well" with my public worship, but i know there is more i need to do....

12: Getting closer to God

2011-01-29T19:22:00.001-06:00

egypt's in crisis (an understatement) and all i can think of what should i eat for dinner?

the world has gotten smaller and we're all connected - politically, economically. sometimes, its hard to wrap your mind around how an arguement halfway across the world could turn yours upside down.

and yet - dinner to me (at the moment) is more important than whether or not egypt has a new government in place.

Perspective ~ what i think is the most mundane thing, God may think is incredible. how i develop my relationships with God, with the hubs, friends and family may not be the most important priority to someone else. they may look at money, getting a new house or finding a new job as something that takes precedence over whether or not God is in the picture.

point to ponder: i'm as close to God as i want to be - if the world were to end in the next 12 months, if a war were to break out - it is my own perogative to figure out where i stand, who will stand up for me and where i'll end up.

verse to remember: "Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you." James 4:8 a(NLT)

question to consider: what practical choices will i make today in order to grow close to God?" the month of finding God is almost over. i'm not closer to finding Him than i was a month ago. i will say this: that it does not take all day ....to think about God. in moments of silence in the carride home, in singing Christian music outloud; in the tiniest spark of pain almost close to the finish fine......He's everywhere you want Him and need Him to be. i will keep my resolution of finding God - in these trying times.....there's no way you wouldn't want to.

11: being friends with God

2011-01-19T23:09:00.001-06:00

i have had the most stressful week (to say the least and its only wednesday)! yesterday, i started on this chapter and didn't get to finish it until today.

this chapter broke down praying without ceasing......suffice it to say that we must be in constant awareness of God's presence.

on the drive home from a satellite clinic, i closed my eyes - tired from the day's move, miscommunication, MESS...and then i stopped. i switched my thoughts to God. "Take this worry from me, dear Lord. Take it away." I kept chanting that over and over and by the time we got to our clinic - i opened my eyes and felt better.

during my run, my knee started to feel a bit funny...like it wasn't bending like it was supposed to...but i pressed on and as we neared the end - 400 some yards stood between me and the finish line, instead of thinking about how the dip on the road was starting to hurt, i focused on God. "Thank you, Lord - for giving me this oppurtunity, this awesome run. i hurt, but im running. i've got legs, i've got breath.." and on and on it went until the last hundred feet.

point to ponder: God wants to be my best friend

verse to remember: Friendship with God is reserved for those who reverence Him - Psalm 25:14a (LE)

question to consider: what can i do to remind myself to think about God and talk to him more often throughout the day.
its Jan 19th - 18 days since i've started on this journey to find God. i know its continous work....but i am learning to be aware. i am learning to think about more than what's infront of me.....i need to just keep talking! i have all these crazy to-do lists and thoughts going on in my head, i need to (and am starting to) focus my thinking.....

10: the heart of worship

2011-01-16T23:41:00.005-06:00

point to ponder: the heart of worship is surrender

verse to remember: Surrender your whole being to him to be used for righteous purposes. - Romans 6:13 b (TEV)

question to consider: what areas of my life am i holding back from God? - where do i begin? my planner is something that i look at everyday and i am in fear that if i don't have a plan for tomorrow, if something happens by surprise and i show up unprepared....that's awful, to say the least. i prefer to-do lists and memos, actions plans for LIFE....i don't like not knowing. my future in God's hands is awesome.....in theory....in my heart...but my brain would list out possible scenarios and try to come up with action plans for me to succeed in whatever scenario God puts me in....i'm uncomfortable with a future that i didn't already have mapped out....sure, i realize that life doesn't always happen according to plan, but me? i have back-up plans after back up plans...an exit strategy in case it doesn't work out. even in the peak of my Christian living, i didn't give up the drivers seat for Christ. i wanted to know which nursing schools would accept me and which didn't....

i didn't see this life i'm living in coming.....

knowing that He should take the wheel is one thing....going to the passengers side is a different matter all together.

to completely surrender myself to His love....would mean to completely let go of my anxiety of the future and trust that He'll take me to my ultimate destination.

.....i love, love this song: heart of worship. something i listened to in the background as i typed. at least its better than the rain tapping on my window....

as the song says about surrender: 'its all about You, Jesus'

9: what makes God smile?

2011-01-15T00:32:00.004-06:00

May the Lord smile on you.... Numbers 6:25 (NLT)

Smile on me, your servant; teach me the right way to live. Psalm 119:135 (Msg)

point to ponder: God smiles when i trust him.

verse to remember: The Lord is pleased with those who worship him and trust his love. Psalm 147:11 (CEV)

question to consider: since God knows what is best, in what areas of my life do i need to trust him most?
funny, i read this book 5 plus years ago and i am still going to answer how i did then. school and my path/career in life.

there are just somethings that don't change.

8: i was planned for God's pleasure

2011-01-14T23:37:00.003-06:00

this week has been...chaotic to say the least. i got hit with "you have x amount of days to vacate the clinic" to "you've got a complaint from a client. handle it"....

i have an exercise with school i need to do...something about investigating a disease due monday. house to clean, laundry....the list just kept piling!

somewhere in there, i tuned out the world and looked at google for answers. that's right. i started typing out everything i wanted to know. "graduate school" "dietitic internship" "how do i get a certified diabetes educator certification" and "how can i get my life on track"

yes. i actually wrote that out on google and clicked search.

when my sanity and head cleared. i picked up my book and read todays chapter.

point to ponder: i was planned for God's pleasure

verse to remember: The Lord takes pleasure in his people. - Psalm 149:4a

i wonder what He would say about my google search.......probably hit me on the back of the head a la Gibbs and Dinozzo.

since i was created for his pleasure. since i didn't not ask to be born....since my whole world was written out for me....tell me, why do i worry? i talked to the hubs about what i was doing - googling the answers to my life...and he just rolled his eyes.

"Tell me what to do!" I actually pleaded. maybe it was the stress of the week that finally weighed in on me, but i felt so lost - and really for no apparent reason - that i cried.

"Get back on the freeway!" he finally replied back.

my map, my compass, my road really is NOT as complicated as i think it is....i know i'm stuck on an exit ramp with these cars carrying school stuff, work loads, impending-fill-in-the-blanks here.....i have a plan. God has it all worked out...why am i making it harder for myself?

question to consider: what common task could i start doing as if i were doing it directly for Jesus?
in truth, no one knows where they are going....i know the truth of my life. i need to let Jesus take control, hand him the keys and let me enjoy the view from the passenger side.

we have been raised by society letting us believe that YOu are in control of your life. You can't be on the sidelines, be active.

....but if after awhile, we get tired of driving our own vehicle of life. we wind up lost and confused......or worse, we become almost predictable. drive: college - married - kids - career - grandchildren - death....how are we supposed to enjoy all that?

do you see where you're going in the driver seat? could you pay attention to little details? or as a passenger, aren't we more carefree? trustful that the Driver will get us to where we need to go. we don't have to worry about missing exits, taking wrong turns - He has the wheel and all we need to do is enjoy the view.

.....so maybe in my everyday life - my ordinary life...i can look at a day, one day at a time and trust that He has control.

i wonder if i can ask God for pit stops?

7: the Reason for everything

2011-01-12T22:16:00.003-06:00

i haven't posted anything in 5 days. can't really say anything too exciting happened, except distractions. this weekend, i spent with family and the hubs. my online school started and i'm not really making up excuses as much as listing the distractions....my everyday things that occur that draw me away from the Prize. the Bible says: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus - Philippians 3: 13b - 14 (NIV).

and that's exactly what it's all about. amidst all the distractions, life and everything in between, a point that no one really should ponder is that this life, the blessings and trials are all for Him.

verse to remember: For everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by his power, and everything is for his glory. Romans 11:36 (LB)

question to consider: where in my daily routine can i become more aware of God's glory? - being surrounded by family and friends and enjoying God's grace with them. i can be surrounded by love, support and encouragement from my fellow Christians, but i don't fully appreciate the magnitude of God's power or mystery until i'm with people who don't share the same beliefs i do....and when religion conversation somehow strikes up, there's this moment where i can hear my voice fill with passion and i find myself surrounded by this energy.....i can only hope the other person sees and feels that.

6: this is my temporary home

2011-01-07T23:29:00.003-06:00

Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered, and that my life is fleeing away. Psalm 39:4 (NLT)

I am here on earth for just a little while. Psalm 119:19 (TEV)

point to ponder: this world is not my home.

verse to remember: So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, buton what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18 (NIV)

question to consider: how should the fact that life on earth is just a temporary assignment change the way i am living now? it would make my want to have material possessions to try to match/compare with friends seem insignificant....i would look at people differently too.....

5: My life is a map

2011-01-06T22:49:00.004-06:00

point to ponder: Life is a test and a trust

verse to remember: Unless you are faithful in small matters, you won't be faithful in a large ones - Luke 16:10a (NLT)

this chapter lets you look at how you view your life, some people see their life as a party, a highway to somewhere or a box of chocolates....i've always seen my life as this great map (i love maps)! i have a destination (heaven - point b) and how i get there looks like a big squiggly mess! (i even drew it on my doddle buddy just in case you can't picture how i picture my life)

if how i picture my life affects how i'm being tested by God....then my entire life
is a giant mess! which i don't believe....i realized the other night how truly blessed i was to NOT have any drama going on in my life.

the chapter has this line: A very important test is how you act when you can't feel God's presence in your life.....

i think i'm at that point where i'm not sure where i am - in terms of faith. i'm a Believer. i don't know if i can feel His presence, hence why i'm starting this decade in search of a missing God.....it is not He that's missing, obviously i just need to be found! i feel like i need to be pinpointed in the universe and God Himself has to be touch me just to let me know i exist in His eyes.....

it's silly. and i can't believe i just wrote that....but there you have it...i've felt Him before...i know what it feels like to be surrounded, enclosed, enveloped in this indescribable, palpable .....awesomeness. i've been there. i was even told i glowed with it.....

...where's that glow now, i wonder?

life on earth is a trust....i have to trust that those same emotions, those same captivity i felt before is inside me somewhere....

question to consider: what has happened to me recently that i now realize was a test from God? what are the greatest matters God has entrusted to me?

first question: 2008 was a crazy year! i was struggling to finish school, hoping, wishing that it was my last semester - i was getting married without anything (no house, no $$, no job).....upon graduation, i thought - i'd have those things..... nope, i was 'homeless broke newlywed living with my new husband's family' - a giant mess! those times, reading through my past blog posts, i never lost that spark of faith....i knew that God somehow had this plan for me....and although i was broke, i had no home - somehow, it was going to sort itself out.....i prayed....i cried...i kept praying...i'm pretty sure i even bargained somewhere in there...

and here i am.

and how exactly am i repaying this blessing? by trying to run away from it! by wondering if my inability to sit still, my squiggly map has nothing to do with God - but my faith in Him....He gave me the map. i was given the car, the keys, the gas to get there.....instead of driving straight towards the destination...i start exiting freeway exits and can't figure out how to get out of it!

question 2: what are the greatest matters God has entrusted me?
my family - my nieces....the people i meet ....my talents, my dreams...

4: there is more to life than this

2011-01-04T21:26:00.003-06:00

point to ponder: there is more to life than just here and now

verse to remember: "This world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of God, you will live forever." 1 John 2:17 (NLT)

question to consider: since i was made to last forever, what is the one thing i should stop doing and the one thing i should start doing today?

i suppose i should stop thinking so much/worrying so much and start learning to trust that there is more to life than this...

day three: what drives me?

2011-01-03T22:43:00.003-06:00

point to ponder: Living on purpose is the path to peace

this chapter was about trying to find what drives you.....there are 5 common examples that mr warren wrote about: guilt, resentment and anger, fear, materialism and the need for approval....i must admit, i am driven by 3 out of the 5 forces.

driven by anger and resentment, the need for approval and fear has made my life not necessarily meaningless, but aimless.....i'm lost most of the time...and he adds that the "greatest tragedy is not death, but life without purpose."

verse to remember: "You, Lord, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you." - Isaiah 26:3

question to consider: what would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? what do i want it to be?
family would say success, hopes and the want to better myself drives me.
my friends would say that family drives me.....they're both true....my family raised me with the knowledge that with hardwork (and a little luck) i can have anything, be anything....of course, my parents wanted me to be more financially stable than happy... that's a different story....i suppose that's where the need for approval comes in....i never felt like i could never please my family. my parents are proud of the work i've done and i hear them bragging about my accomplishments...in a way, the want to make my family happy - because they've done so much and given up so much for me....drives me to be better and live better....

could i feel guilty for wanting more than that?

i've already mentioned once upon a time that living a "goody-two shoe" type of life is a way of escaping the fiery pits of hell. an epiphany would provide me with the idea that escaping hell would mean what exactly? what is heaven?

i would like to think i'm living for God...to fullfill the destiny that was written for me, but honestly.....i am living my life....to escape the possibility of eternal damnation....yes, that's good...but is it enough?

i need to look at what happens when i live for God...i die for God...and i become one with Him in eternity....could i see myself in His presence and want to be there.. because i can not see myself in hell? or because there is absolutely no way, no how that i would ever leave ...that awesomeness?

i'm digressing. that's a loaded question: what drives me?

the awful part is that i can't answer it.

day two: thinking about my purpose

2011-01-02T18:28:00.003-06:00

point to ponder: i am not an accident

verse to remember: I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born. - Isaiah 44:2

question to consider: i know that God uniquely created me. what areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am i struggling to accept?

personality? i am fearful...about a lot of things. i don't ever jump into anything. i think about the situation and how it might end...(which in my head is never good) and if i failed...i always think "well, i was never going to succeed in it anyway." fear stops me from a lot of things...as simple as getting on a bike to as big as leaving everything i ever know to pursue a writing career....i also like answers to my future...and i'm always bothered when i don't know where i'll be the next day. i need to learn to let go of the things i can't handle or help...and accept that there are things that are absolutely beyond my control...if i accept that everything happens for a reason, i'm a hypocrite by arguing, throwing a fit or going off in a frenzy when things don't work out as i planned....

background? i am very proud of my background. i love the islands i was from, i love the people i grew up with...

physical appearance: i'm working on this one. i work out as much or as little as i could. i don't mind that i'm short...i need to lose 33 pounds to hit my goal weight which is awesome considering that last year, i needed to lose 50!

God's missing!

2011-01-01T18:49:00.005-06:00

as i'm on the quest to finding God this month, i decided that clearly i need help and don't know where to start. luckily for me, an old friend had given me rick warren's a purpose driven life - 40 days of devotion and bible study to figure out my purpose.....a good way to start, i suppose, but eventually i will go out in search of a bible study....might help my search for God if i've got company.

anyway, at the end of each chapter - 40 days/40 chapters - there is a small box with points to ponder, a verse to remember and a question to consider.

day one: thinking about my purpse
point to ponder: it's not about me

verse to remember: "Everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him" - Colossians 1:16b(Msg) - my NIV says "all things were created by him and for him."

question to consider: in spite of all the advertising around me, how can i remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?
~ every morning, take a few long deep breaths - i breathe because of Him and everyday is different and new and i'm alive because He made me...not because i decided today i'll live and tomorrow i'll die...i don't decide any of those things...He did....

something to blog about 1/1/11

2011-01-01T17:41:00.004-06:00

Ephesians 4:1 "As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received."

to begin at the beginning, in case you missed it. i have written resolutions time and time again....its almost always about trying to better me by way of losing weight, gaining confidence and making time for friends and family.

i'm still trying to lose weight. i've got plenty of self-confidence. and yes, i am making sure quality time with friends and family is still on my list. what has never been and what should be on there is God.

He is the Reason i'm here. the Reason why i'm the way i am and everything that i have been given was prayed about....

the only thing...the least i could do is to honor Him by giving Him a whole month. how fitting that this day, this month, this year is the beginning of a whole new decade. i want to continue to walk with Him. i want to never stop searching, stop quenching the Thrist....i know 1 month isn't exactly enough, but 1 month could lead to a lifetime.....

i also think its fitting that i read this verse today.....i tried to look up definitions for prisoner: one who is confined in prison; a person under arrest, or in custody, whether in prison or not; a person held in involuntary restraint; a captive; as, at prisoner at the bar of the court.

this verse stumped me. why would the author put "prisoner for the Lord?" when i replaced it, it slowly started making sense:

As a CAPTIVE for the Lord, then i urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you received.

i'm a captive? captive defined as one held in the grip of a strong emotion or passion; enraptured, as by beauty;

as being held in the grip of a strong emotion or passion for the Lord, then i urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you recieved.

to be so passionate that it transcends into everyday things....to live a life that is worthy of the passion you feel about Christ, for Christ...

my only question is: what's stopping me from living this life?

the countdown begins.....

2010-12-31T11:16:00.002-06:00

and within hours, a new year!

i'm doing what i do best: cleaning! i look forward to the new year, every year..with trashbags of unused items..every year, the bags look bigger.

its hard to believe that i've been in this little town for almost 2 years now. hard to believe that i've been in the same job for just as long. my tiny house does not look anything like it did this time last year. for one, i have furniture! places to sit and stretch out instead of eating/blogging/vegging on the floor, i have a couch!

my lone christmas lights decoration and stockings are down and put away for next year. even nature is ready for new beginnings....its raining beautifully outside, washing away the 'old year' per se.

i don't know if this year had a theme.....last year, 2009 - was a year of beginnings where i got my dream job and moved to a small town. i guess 2010 was a year that the hubs and i got rid of our credit card debts.....aside from my one big student loan, i really don't have any debt.....

i started grad school this semester.

like everyone...i wonder what 2011 has in store for me?

december, december

2010-12-30T18:22:00.004-06:00

i didn't do as well as i would have liked, but i was with a 9 year old who i was extremely proud of...

drove to galveston - moody gardens festival of lights

i love this time of year for the twinkling lights!

resolutions, promises and lessons for 2011

2010-12-27T15:54:00.003-06:00

i had started reading the happiness project by gretchen rubin. i'm only in "march" when i stopped and realized that truthfully i am happy. and don't really need a book to make me understand that i was.

the project did get me thinking....that each month should have its own resolution or lessons that i need to learn. every year since i turned fifteen, i've made a list of resutions. every year since, i've fallen short of that list. its a pretty big list. small in comparison to some, but what you put into it...what you're supposed to get out of it..is so much bigger...i'm not saying it'll change you..well, when given the right mentality, motivation and time - a list is supposed to change you in a year.

...that's some tangent. here are my resolutions and lessons i'd like to learn this coming year. broken down for 12 months. one lesson or resolution per month. shouldn't be too hard?!

January
1.) Find God. This is a huge undertaking, i know. I'm pretty positive its going to take more than a month, but in January, i will go to church services more often. i will open and read my Bible. i will try to be an example.

Febuary
2.) Show some love. I'm not a hugger. i start thinking of exit strategies when someone's eyes start to water. but i do appreciate people. i may even go as far as saying i love people....i will hug when its needed. i will not run when theres tears. and yes, it'll be awkward (mostly on my part) but i do need people in my life and if showing them i care by sitting and listening to them crying, then......
this will be harder than i think it'll be

March
3.) Try something new. i've been saying i'm going to do this or that. well, i'm not really even sure what i want to do. so with the seasons changing from winter to spring, i'd like to try new things.

April
4.) Lesson #1: Acceptance. i'm turning in a packet for dietitic internship and in april, i get to find out if i got in or not. whatever happens, happens for a reason and yes, i'll cry (or cry out with glee depending on the results)....i need to learn to accept what i can not control.

May
5.) Lesson #2: Perserverance. i'm willing to bet i'm going to learn this lesson pretty quickly. at the start of this month is the fredonia's 5 Miler....

June
6.) Volunteer. Make time to do some charity work.

July
7.) Family Quality Time. July has so many birthdays...and i seriously need to make time for the three little awesomeness in my life. this past week, i had fun playing puzzles, watching cartoons...but i want my nieces to have wonderful memories of me in it.....i had an incredible childhood. people played with me. i got to travel with my family. i may not get to give them that...but going to the park and playing with them may stand out in their minds as a favorite childhood activity....who knows?

August
8.) Road trip. my sister's resolution is to go on a road trip.....i think i'll take her somewhere nice this month.

September
9.) With a different season, sales spring up. i noticed that i have a lot of clothes. this goes back to the 100 thing challenge i blogged about yesterday. while i don't see myself whittling my stuff to 100 things, i could see myself/challenge myself to not buy any new clothes (underwear not included in this)....i have plenty of shoes to go with the varying seasons of the year.

October
10.) Breast Cancer Awareness. i would love to run for a cause and this would be a great run to do.

November
11.) Lesson #3: Gratitude.

December
12.) Lesson #4: Find the true meaning of Christmas. be a stranger's secret santa.

there you have it. its a long list. each month, one thing at a time. of course, i'll try to continue to do each thing i learned by carrying it into the next month. i noticed that this is the first year, i don't have weightloss or exercise on my resolution.....but its incorporated in there, somewhere......

i'm ready for this year ~

100 thing challenge

2010-12-26T09:37:00.002-06:00

i was reading something about a 100 thing challenge. this man whittled down his possessions to 100 items. momentos - such as albums - counted as 1 thing. the challenge was to stay within this 100 things. if someone were to give him something, he would have to replace it with something else.....

i am a keeper of stuff. not the hoarders kind, mind you. everytime an episode airs, i deem that day a 'cleaning out party' and surprising will fill a trashbag worth of useless things.

if i had to add clothes on top of that - i don't think i could part with my favorite t-shirts. i don't wear them anymore, but there's a lot of sentimental value placed on them....actually, on most of my stuff.

but i don't want to be a slave to things! i have been known to grab a few items at the store and by checkout time, walk away with nothing. i think (mostly) before i buy.

i am guilty of being a compulsive shopper. right now, i'm thinking of all the sales that's happening following Christmas. i know i'm a slave to java products.

i am willing to add this somehow to my new year resolution - that perhaps, i really don't need a lot of the things that i say i do. i own a lot of clothes and i mostly wear my favorites.

i'm not (at the moment) willing to wittle my possesion to 100 items. i am going to evaluate my spending and look at the things i do have and shop from ...me.

"I'll Be Home for Christmas" - Rascal Flatts Official Music Video

2010-12-24T17:04:00.000-06:00

....well i never really cared for the song until now....the hubs is out on that awful rig. while i don't mind spending the holidays without him and with my family - i really care about having to answer every person that i'll see tonight where he's at.

...so really, i don't care for the presents, cash or even the deliciousness of tonights and tomorrow's feast. i care about seeing him even for just a few moments and tell him Merry Christmas.

....at least i'll see him Wednesday....too bad today's not it.

take two: june - nov

2010-12-19T18:52:00.016-06:00

nothing much happened in june. except for the BIG AUDIT...so i suppose having a lack of pictures is proof that i did my job during that month.

july:

since we did so great at the audit, we decided to go to galveston for a nice weekend getaway.

after a great getaway....had some yummy cake with before driving off to san antonio.

aug:

at the annual breastfeeding conference. i heart my job!

our breastfeeding celebration ~ thank you to all the sponsors ~

sept:
i took a vacay (finally). road trip with my partner in crime to colorado

~ homecoming 2010 ~

i hadn't seen my cousin since i was 13! all of a sudden, i see her and her kiddos. it really has been way too long and i look forward to seeing more of her family.

nov:

at my first 5k with the sister.

there are way too many people born in november.....

a year worth of pictures: jan - may

2010-12-19T18:43:00.007-06:00

all taken from my iphone.

jan:

my baby turned the big 3-oh~

feb:
a weekend at the beach.

april:

went to a concert to see 10 Avenue North and Casting Crowns. ~ Until the Whole World HeArS ~

may:
my love and i celebrated our two year wedding anniversary.

underneath it all, he's a softie.

got to go to my first soccer game. go Chivas...i mean...go America....wait...Go Mexico!!!!

whats next?

2010-12-07T22:01:00.002-06:00

so last year sometime, i came up with these resolutions.

1.) Schedule and take the GRE: Attempt one taken on 2/15. Attempt two taken on 12/3. much better scores, but i'm shooting for a goal number and i'm hoping third time's the charm this coming january.

2.) Startin' on my Masters of Public Health from UF: online class has been tedious, but i've had fun and i learned a lot about policy and i've had a challenging semester.

3.) Run the local races - before the END of the YEAR....so at the beginning, i listed all these races i said i was going to run...and i didn't run any of them. this was later modified by just running one freakin' race by the end of the year....i ran my THIRD 5k saturday. i'm getting addicted to these and i really want to complete the race without walking or any interruptions....

4.) Join a running club for support - i haven't joined one....as much as i'm all about forming a running club. i started one with me and my shadow. my sister followed and my co-workers. my new goal is to create and run a race.

like most people and their resolutions, these below have sorta fallen by the wayside, although not for the lack of trying. i'm not a yoga person. i tried pilates at the start of the year and was not my cup of tea. there's not a karate instructor here in my town and i'm not willing to drive an hour away just to kick some ass, although, that's a pretty great motivation. said certain wedding dress was given away without my permission so there's no hope in that and in the bridal pictures. the hubs and i had a great vacation this past october in colorado. the beauty was so incredible, i'd like to go and visit on a yearly basis just to sit and watch the trees perched high on the mountains.....as far as the amazing due and the fitness before baby....well HALF of this duo is on her way to getting fit. slowly and surely and the other half is....fighting monsters and dragons on everquest.
5.) Practice some sort of martial arts
6.) Practice yoga
7.) Get into a certain wedding dress
8.) Take bridal pics with said wedding dress
9.) HONEYMOON
10.) The amazing duo is going to get fit before baby

and just so you know, i still don't have my tree up.

days left before christmas: 18 days

why doesnt it feel like christmas?

2010-11-30T19:36:00.003-06:00

got my holiday cards today. eventually, i'll send it out to friends and family. i'm supposed to be studying for my gre that's happening on friday.....i've got a 25 page paper i need to do before monday. but all i can think of is that i don't have my tree (since i loaned it to the clinic) and how my house looks lonely. devoid of anything resembling the holidays.

my presents are bought and in a corner, i'm too lazy to wrap them. i figured, at least i'm DONE with the shopping.....i need a fire, i need decorations, i need a tree, darn it!

last night, in an attempt to feel "jolly" i popped in "the Holiday" with jude law, kate winslet, cameron diaz and jack black. its a pretty funny/cheesy/girl movie, if you've never seen it....unfortunately, although its about two women who are desperately trying to avoid their current situation swap houses for the holidays.. and instead of feeling 'christmasey' i felt like going to england.

...at least i'll avoid my upcoming gre ;-)

a little something i picked up

2010-11-28T12:13:00.006-06:00

i'm still reeling from thanksgiving overload; although, i'm pretty proud of myself for getting dressed just a bit to work out this morning, even if it was just putting on pajama bottoms and rolling over in my couch to press play on the dvd player.

2 miles later and i'm debating whether or not to put in the 'kettleball' dvd. i love winter for the simple reason that 1.) Christmas - twinkling lights, promises of Hope and Peace and Joy, presents, nieces tearing up presents....i really could go on about this....

and really 2.) everyone seems to move much slower this time of the year....sort of. at the beginning of december, there's that last minute rush of final papers, homework, reports, marking off wish lists.....but for the most part, the cold chills us and we move slower in response. getting to work just a tad bit later than we'd like, staying under the covers just a tad bit longer than necessary.....my workouts are coming less and less often. not for lack of motivation...well, that's a lie, huh? its cold and being inside a nice warm insulated house sounds more fun than being out in the cold where a jog will burn my lungs .....

*thus the 2 mile dvd this morning *

i need motivation!

so i picked up a little something for myself in the hopes that one day soon i'll get to wear it....i'm marking the calendar for a march deadline. i think i need to lose maybe 15 pounds to get into this sucker......at the clinic, we've put our goals up and sadly i'm enjoying my last bit of coke today. i think i've drowned myself in 2 liters of coke/dr pepper/pepsi/sunkist a day these past 3 days and i feel like crap.
could be why i'm not really moving too much today. bed to couch, couch to chair...

i'm a drinker, i'll admit. i can drink calories all day if you'd let me. a starbucks mocha frap for breakfast, java shake for lunch and 2 cans of coke for dinner....food optional....i think i'll round that up to 600 - 700 calories of sucking down liquids a day....

at any rate: if i'm to suffer without a drink in hand these next few months - at least i won't be alone...i've got three people in which i can glare at while i drink..water...

early thanksgiving ~

2010-11-21T19:43:00.003-06:00

i just finished cleaning the kitchen...i've still got a roasting rack i gotta deal with, but anyways....

my hubs cutting my first turkey EVER!!! a success, even though i put the dang 1 pound turkey in the oven at 1 pm....thinking as the package says that it'll be done in two hours.....well 6 pm came around and as our family "rolled" out home, turkey was ready to serve.

looks like i'll have a second thanksgiving dinner tomorrow night....sans mess, hopefully.

my gratitudes:
1.) roof over my head and a job...with the economy the way it is, foreclosures forcing family out....Thank YOU, LORD for these provisions
2.)family. crazy, loud, annoying, frustrating, cant decide if you want to kill them or hug them....

i really don't know what else to be thankful for. there's just so many and yet so little. ~ happy early thanksgiving ~

oh those pesky 3 miles

2010-11-06T23:15:00.004-05:00

i had never been to something this big. ever. around me was a sea of runners. we are talking running glasses with the matching shoes. windbreaker. stretching left and right all around me. i wanted to run. the OTHER direction. i felt awful. i think i was one of the biggest people there. forget the freezing 30 degree temps or the light frost on the ground. forget the fact that i was about to run 3.1 miles. the only thing on my mind was that i was going to be running next to these "pros." actual runners. i had been training with the couch to 5k workout app for 5 weeks now. i was BEGINNING to believe that i was a runner. that dream was shot down pretty quickly.

and then we took off. i kept my pace and started to wish i had my running partner. my sister - who promised she'd be running next to me at the crossing - ran ahead and disappeared. head down, wind bringing the cold. i ran, i walked. after i crossed mile one. the runners had whizzed forward and i'm sure was close to the finish line by now. but they weren't the people i was running against. i ran for me. and i'm running against me. a quick glance at my watch showed that at mile 2, i had gone almost 30 minutes. an average of 15 min/mile. the trail started to look familiar. i recognized the scent of the last kilometers. i ran this for a time in the summer. i knew ever rock formation, every curve.

at mile 3, i stopped to take a picture. i could see the end. my limbs were sore and still tight from the cold. i tried to reach somewhere deep inside. my rules had always been to not walk to the finish line. whatever pain i was experiencing. whatever bout of doubt that lingered. i chased it down and sprinted. i started to pass up some people on the way to the end. i heard the applause. a water bottle ended up in my hands.

walking away. i felt the electric charge of unity in the air. truly. i may not deem myself worthy of being called a runner, but looking at the people i was surrounded by. they didn't once look at me like i didn't belong there. i got pats. i got cheers alongside the running route. i got a chance to run alongside them. past my vanity and self-deprecating thoughts. i ran for a great cause that benefited children. benefitted my community. as i stripped away the layers of 'should've done this' and 'wished i trained harder' thoughts. i realize that what i did was something not a lot of people could say they've accomplished. i am blessed to be a voice. i am honored to have been a part of such a great cause. i ran because i care. i ran because i COULD. i drove the hour from my house to run in the freezing cold becuase i knew that in the end - what i was doing was the least i could do for the organization, for the volunteers, for the kids, themselves.

and i ran becuase i love how running makes me feel.

to learn more about Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA) go to their website at casaofdet.com

Christmas music already?!

2010-11-01T21:10:00.003-05:00

I wish fall would stay fall. I wish the colors would stay vibrant orange, browns and reds. I want to wear my sweaters and cardigans and retire my shorts sleeves and summer skirts. Alas - I live in Texas where I could be wearing a bulky jacket in the morning and flip flops by nightfall.

~ I had a really long day and I'm running out of time to finish my to-do list. Between school, work and the mounting paper work I haven't even glanced at, my headache is the LEAST of my worries.....

for dinner, a reprive. At a mexican restaurant, no less - i heard Christmas music. Jingle Bells on November 1st?? I can't even think of glittering houses and presents at a time like this! Its almost 90 degrees....

the hubs found a website called my registry
where you can build a registry of your Christmas wish list......I haven't built my wish list yet....I just want my John Hughes classics and call it a holiday ~

coming around the bend

2010-10-23T21:18:00.001-05:00

i could hear the sound of my number flapping against the wind and my shirt. i could see the two small volunteers waving their signs.

walking to the finish line is not something i'd ever do. talk about stubborn or about prideful. but whatever it is, i will not settle to walk across. i reached whatever strength and energy that i had left after almost 40 minutes of walking, running and sprinting to catch up with my sisters, but no more. they've past me and i wanted to hang back and finish how i want to finish. not struggling to the finish line.....not walking in either.

from a few yards away, i heard my older sis turn and say "let's go, li. time to run!" she had been with me the entire length of the race, but up until a few moments before, i just could not find that energy to run.

i just shouted "i'll run when i'm good and ready."

a mom ahead of me turned to give me a look. her stroller carrying her sleeping baby seemed to taunt me.

maybe it was that look. or the fact that at the start of the race, i whispered to both my sisters that i refuse to be behind a mommy and her stroller or the dog walkers.

that vow had given me a huge gap from them early on, but somehow - this mommy - who jogged and pushed that stroller - slipped past me and was now going to beat me in this race.

that was enough for me to push off.

i heard the cheers and i pumped my arms and let loose. the figures started to get closer. i turned the corner and smiled at the two waving their signs and cheering me on.

out of nowhere, my little sis (who finished 2nd) - ran from the finish line, and jogged with me along the way. always, always prodding me and encouraging me. mommy and stroller had zoomed by and was now taking her steps to the water cooler.

i did not struggle. i huffed and puffed later, but i was too happy and too proud.....

my limbs are sore and afterwards, i could think of nothing better than to crash unto the bed and sleep (which i did, my two hour nap was delish).

this was the first 5k sponsored by stephen f austin state univ's social work students. the 5k was to raise awareness about mental illness. for their first event, they had shirts, sponsors that donated gift cards to restaurants (my sis won a mex restaurant certificate dinner for 2)

next year, i will def not let mommy and baby get the best of me

oh my, look at the time

2010-10-22T17:04:00.006-05:00

so close to the end of month, close to hallow's eve, i can start to taste turkey and stuffing around the corner, chicken mole and tamales and see the bright lights sparkle on my tree....

i'm sure i'm not the only one who's thought it, but goodness, this year has gone by too quick, too fast.

i have been a terrible food journalist. is it that i can't consistently sit still long enough to record every single bite? or like most people, i don't have the time to think about what i'm putting into my mouth. there's just too many things to do and since there's not enough time....

but then...can we say that i'm so much in a hurry that i'm making my time SPEED up?

what a conundrum!

on other news: my sis signed me up for a 5k that's happening in thirteen hours. what, what?! talk about really hurrying up time. my 5k that i did sign up for..the one i've been training for a month one (i'll have you know that i am on week 4) - the one that i'm mentally ready for is on nov 6...i still have 2 weeks to process my brain......

oi vie.

and what do you eat anyways the night of a 5k?

grilled cheesus ~

2010-10-05T20:35:00.003-05:00

watching glee tonight: i haven't quite wrapped my mind on what i thought about the episode. lest, i spoil the episode for someone, i'll just say that it was a religious experience...no pun intended.

i will say that the creators of glee did a good job preaching to the massess of tolerance, of family and that unity comes in many denominations, color, sexual orientation. i have not met anyone perfect, i have not met anyone extremely hateful either. i have enjoyed the company of people who just oozes peace - sometimes its awful to say that i get jealous and envious of how close they may seem to Christ and Heaven....and then i think - they're still down here with the rest of us.....in my cynical opinion.

it is about the journey and how we are to ourselves and to other people that matters.

if we are hateful to the people here that don't matter to us.....who's to say that we aren't just as hateful to ones that do?

what i liked about this episode and really, the show in general, isn't about the theatre geek inside me of me singing showtunes with the cast, but rather - that life isn't about song and dance numbers or cool kids running around bullying everyone else. its about people. its about hardships and making something beautiful amidst all that chaos.

and yeah, its about dorks belting out showtunes.

oh weekend, oh gluttony

2010-10-02T20:29:00.002-05:00

i knew that if i didn't have breakfast before i left - i would have stopped by at my favorite donut store to date. a little shop called "hole in the wall" - the donuts always taste fresh and baked.

so i had my usual: c of coffee (2 tsp of cream, 2 tsp of sugar)
1 whole bagel

~ i drove to nac: saw my sis and the first things we did was go to the park and do my day two of C25K. except, the nice easy breathing pace from yesterday turned into sprints. to the family with the baby that my sis almost hit: sorry about that near miss - we wont be running at the trail anymore.

for lunch: i took her to olive garden (my idea not hers) and had 16 oz of dr pepper, 2 servings of their salad and 1 1/2 breadstick
i wanted something different and ordered the chianti short ribs with mushroom risotto and fresh vegs - yummy! i had 2 oz of the chianti short ribs, 2 c of the risotto and 1 c of green beans.

i was so stuffed! we went on a walk around academy (.3 of a mile) and to petsmart (another .2 of a mile).

i did crave a java jack chocolate shake when i drove by it - and without hesitation - slurped the whole 16 oz goodness!!!

snack time was just as terrible: had 2 things of mozarella cheese sticks from sonic and 4 oz of a 12 oz cherry limeade (i say this, becuase i didn't have much - when i got to my parents' house and tried to gather my stuff - my mom gave the limeade to my 5 year old niece....just great!)

dinner: i didn't feel like cooking. pizza hut it was and 2 pizza rolls and 1 pepperoni stuffed crust pizza later - i am completely full and in total regret about everything i just ate.

hope tomorrow will be better.

couch to 5k - heck YEAH!!!!

2010-10-01T16:14:00.004-05:00

this morning, i did not want to get up. period. but, since its friday and 1/2 work day because of this afternoon's staff meeting, i forced myself to get up.

i did an outreach at the community Good Shepherd Church, which was awesome and impressive. it was their first community health fair and i was fortunate to get the invite and set my booth.

i knew that any place that hosted an event would have a plethora of cookies, popcorn, JUNK. so this morning, as i was grumpily rolling out of bed had 1 c of coffee (2 tsp cream, 2 tsp of sugar) and 1/2 of a bagel with strawberry cream cheese spread.

at the fair, i helped myself to 1/2 of a banana and some cantaloupes. yummy! of course, it helped that being a representative of wic - kinda had to make sure i stocked my plate with healthy goodies, lest i be judged ;-)

i had 25 people come to the table - some just wanted to get their hands on the cookbooks i was handing out, others wanted to thank someone from wic for being there at a time they needed it the most....which i felt terrible for forgetting names and feeling like i was rushing some people out the door. i definitely have to take my time and try to really get to know people. you never really know how you make a difference in someone's lives until much much later.

hour two of the fair, i got mini poppy seed muffins (1 out of 4)

lunchtime, i rushed out - thanked the sponsors and rsvp'ed my space for next year's event. i was panicking about the rice: is it going to meet their standards? do i really even care?
i got served 3 homemade chicken enchiladas (tomatillo, cream of mushroom and serrano pepper sauce)
helped myself to 1 c of mixed salad
and 1 1/2 c of my mexican rice

after a quick prayer. SUCCESS! they loved the rice ~ so much so that i did not have any leftovers to take home. i finished my entire plate.

after the meeting, had 1 1/2 brownie that i made.

at the fair, i spoke with a rep from liberty mutual who was giving out glucose meters; i got a free one! after our meeting, i wanted to test my glucose (even though, i had just eaten and this would not accurately test my fasting glucose level): 109!!! awesome ~

now i don't have to find a doctor to test me.

since work ends at 3 - i had decided the night before that today was the day that i was going to start my Couch to 5k workout. the theory is that in 9 weeks, i can get from the couch to run a 5k.

and the run was amazing. the park was empty, the shade brought on a cool breeze and i started to fall in love with running again. where have you been these past few months?

each second i had to run was hard, i'll admit, but each time i stopped to do the walking part, i became even more proud of myself for completing it. as taylor swift sang the opening to "fearless" i was set to complete day one of C25K and 1.8 miles later - i was still high from a job well done.

so much so that i did not feel guilty eating 3 mini poppy seed muffins and a 12 oz diet pepsi. (dont worry, i'm drinking my H2O too)

dinner: 1 piece of frozen breaded chicken (baked)
2 c of mac and cheese
1 c of vegs (steamed brocolli)

7 pringles - working on a paper for school. saying screw it, i'll just do it tomorrow~

performance review over cooking??

2010-09-30T21:50:00.003-05:00

ive only cooked for the hubs and my sis. and maybe a roommate or two. tomorrow, i'm sharing my cooking skillz (or maybe lack thereof) to my coworkers. we're having a staff meeting and since i'm still on a no-spending habit i thought it would be nice if everyone brought food for the meeting.

i wanted to bring my mexican rice.

to a bunch of mexican women.

who i'm sure have more cooking experience with mexican rice than i ever will. i bought enough ingredients that if i screw up....i can make another batch. i'm also bringing brownies to the table just in case they say anything upsetting.

i mean, i still have the hubs, my sis. and as far as i know - no roommate has succummed to food poisoning......

what do you think?

i'm so stressed out about this that i inhaled 10 pringles.

talking the walk

2010-09-30T20:17:00.003-05:00

this morning: had 1/2 of a whole wheat bagel with strawberry spread (yummy)!! and better than the cereal i was eating these past couple of days.
1/2 c of coffee (2 tsp cream, 2 tsp sugar)

morning snack: string cheese

today is end of month and i had a lot of last minute clients walking in, calling people just to meet our numbers and cleaning up for next quarter - my nutrition education room looks AWESOME. ive decorated it all fall.

lunch: 2 slices of thin crust pepperoni pizza that someone from work ordered.

yesterday, i made the decision to walk around the block where my work is at. i brought my shoes and had my nike+ ready to go. a coworker went with me and we did a brisk 1 mile walk around the block. ~ it was lovely. a cool breeze, sunshine and a great escape to the everyday office hassle. it calmed me and energized me back to work grind - a definite repeat!

afternoon snack: same old ritz crackers

dinner: i made thai chicken - had two servings with 3 1/2 c of white rice
12 oz of diet pepsi

after dinner snack:
6 pringles
1.5 reese's pumpkin peanut butter cup

did 10 minutes of kettleballs. legs are sore. i'm tired.

i dont eat when i'm sad, but when i'm mad...hide the chips!!

2010-09-29T20:46:00.004-05:00

my breakfast was rushed since i woke up at 730. coffee on the run - not good AND i managed to stain my shirt....AND of course, today i had an advisory meeting to go to. would have LOVED to drive home and changed shirts, but unfortunately - swamped all day.

by 11:30, a silver lining in the form of a client: a family from cambodia (who owns a donut store) came by with a box of donut. he said he was so grateful about us and wanted to give us a small treat....a mix of wonderful, gooey, warm dozen. plain glazed, chocolate with sprinkles, cinnamon, blueberry. awesomeness. too bad i'm on a food journal diet.

i suppose i could lie and say i did not have any.

but i'm not a liar.

and i love donuts.

i ate two of these wonderful, FREE glazed gifts. my snack of ritz crackers had nothing on these two.

for the luncheon - such a beautiful day - i decided to walk to the meeting, instead of driving. i mean, we are located five minutes walk and less than that driving. takes more time to find a parking spot.

lunch was delish and provided by the awesome headstart staff:
finished 1/2 of a white 6 inch turkey sandwich with mayo, pickles, bell peppers and spinach
1/2 bag of original lays chips
small bottled water

afternoon snack:
before making dinner - 1 reese's pumpkin shaped peanut butter cup
1 whole mozarella string cheese

dinner:
5 corn tortillas
1 c of lettuce (green leaf)
1/2 c of mexican mix cheese (cheddar and mozarella)
16 oz sunkist
3 ritz cheese crackers

~ i think i ate too much. could it because criminal minds is on and i'm sickened that aj cook - one of my fave actress on tv - is leaving one of my fave shows?? i quickly went on their website and apparently $$$ got involved and contract was not renewed. seriously?! she's great and the show won't be the same without her! i am officially boycotting this show (i forget about it anways) and from now on only watch the reruns on aetv. ~

is gum a part of my caloric count?

2010-09-28T22:06:00.003-05:00

another round of laziness in the AM - maybe its the cooler weather, maybe its the fact that i really don't care and i happen to LOVE sleeping in.

breakfast: (same as yesterday)
1/2 bowl (1/2 c of honey nut cheerios - 1/2 c of cereal w 1/2 c of 1%)
1/2 c of coffee (3 tsp of cream with 2 tsp of sugar)

its a coldspring day (travel day) and on the way, we stop by this tiny store an hour into our trip. i always, always get something at bubba's (no lie - that's what the store is called) and today, i ate my ritz crackers. one girl had a bisquit with egg and bacon - my favorite!

lunch: subway
4" wheat (i'm a picky eater) spicy italian bmt (salami, pepperoni - i'm pretty sure the un-healthiest thing at subway)
with lettuce, light mayo, bell peppers, cucumbers and pepperjack cheese
doritos
dr pepper (~16 oz)
1 chocolate chip cookie

snack: pb crackers - only 4 crackers
1 12 oz cheery icee (at bubbas on the way back)

dinner: leftovers
1 c of lime rice
1 c of meat concuction

i actually waited a bit and didn't get to eat a second serving.

didn't do the 2 mile dvd yesterday, but i did it today and did my kettleball exercises while watching the biggest loser.

super excited about tonight's brittany/britney episode on glee ~ i heart ms spears

day one

2010-09-27T20:45:00.003-05:00

(written throughout the day in a food journal that i've started)
i was too lazy to get up this morning. was going to run then saw the weather (54 degrees at 6:45, which made me want to snuggle closer to the hubs)i'm sorry, beautiful, chilly weather, but i'm nice and warm under here. i thought about doing my walk dvd but by the time i peek my head from under the covers, its already 7:30 AM, and i need to go to walmart for a powersurge protector.

packed my lunch today!

Breakfast:
1 (6 oz) coffee - with 3 tsp of cream and 2 tsp of sugar
1 1/2 c of 1% milk
1 c of honey nut cheerios

weighed myself when i got to work. 173.8 - weight gain + 1.2 pounds. not good.

at 11:20 AM - started to get hungry. snacks with my lunch: ritz crackers at 200 calories in a serving size (6 crackers)

ate the whole thing without guilt.

lunchtime, i told everyone that i brought my lunch, which drew a few surprised looks. i need to start pinching pennies around here and eating out daily has put a cramp on my budget. i added it up: $ 8/day for lunch/week = $40/week = $160/month. that may not sound like a lot until you add up a whole year of doing this = $1,920 a year on eating just lunches out.

at any rate, as i was putting leftover pizza in the microwave:
"what's wrong? why are you eating here?" - i'm fine, guys. just getting broke.

lunch was 1 slice of pepperoni and mushroom stuffed crust pizza
a 12 oz diet pepsi.

by 4 pm, started to get hungry and snack was a serving (6 crackers) of peanut butter crackers.

i tracked my steps (a little bit) at work. but man! only tracked from 11 - 12: which ended up being 609 steps and from 1 - 4 pm walked another 2,756 steps (roughly 1.19 miles)

dinner - my hubs cooked, YAY!!
1 diet pepsi
handful of tortilla chips
2 c of lime rice
2 1/2 c of meat concuction.

totally full.

doing my dvd 2 mile walk.

the expendables

2010-09-26T22:34:00.002-05:00

if you are a guy - you'd love this movie. funny, lots of gun action.

if you are a girl - you'd love this movie. funny, lots of jason statham action. it pretty much follows a group of mercenaries - sly stallone at the helm, jet li and statham.

the plot is pretty simple as all action movies tend to be. bruce willis and arnold (yes, that arnold) play a cameo. pretty hilarious.

autumn

2010-09-22T19:39:00.003-05:00

the biggest loser is all about action and less about words. today, the hubs and i enjoyed a fallish weather as we walked 1.3 miles out on the park. we caught up with each other's day and i could almost hear the crunching of the leaves.

my heart beats ~

this is my element! change is in the air - you can smell it, feel it and see the world around you slowly brightening up to orange and these reds and browns. i am in love with this weather. cardigans, scarves. cold enough to feel the chill, warm enough to enjoy the sun's last remnants of summer.

tomorrow's the first day of autumn.

i can't wait.

biggest loser ~ season 10

2010-09-21T21:43:00.004-05:00

it never fails. every season has the same story and every season, i find myself tearing up and wanting to do as much as the contestants....weigh ins and all...

and every season i wound up just sitting and am just mesmerized with these people's stories and struggles. BUT this season, i am planning on sweating with these newfound friends.

i haven't found anyone as of yet to root for. i cheer for each one equally and want each of them to work for the priviledged spot of being in the ranch. but honestly, there are people out there that can and HAVE done it all on their own.

i'm currently still reading this book called "generation extra-large: rescuing our children from the epidemic of obesity"

it's a pretty powerful stuff written by lisa tartamella - a registered dietitian; chris woolston - a medical journalist; and elaine herscher - a journalist for the consumer health report. so far - the research these people have done is incredible and yet, so true. they've interviewed different schools in different states about everything from pe, vending machines, advertising, etc.

i still haven't quite finished this book..seems like i've started so many, i can't quite finish.

at any rate, i'm ready to keep going with these crazy peeps. i'm just glad i don't have to hear jillian screaming at me ;-)

whats in a cup?

2010-09-14T18:21:00.003-05:00

so i've watching my portions almost obsessively. i'm on day three of this "diet." and its really amazing once you grab that measuring cup and see for yourslf what a cup of rice, 3 oz meat and a cup of vegetables actually look like....its not bad and i'm full. i'm not hungry and i'm not keeling over from eating too much.

the hubs and i made a bet. 15 days of him being away - hopefully, when he comes home, WE'LL both be a bit lighter. i'm not wishing 20 pounds go away in 15 days. i have a goal weight in mind (4-5 pounds, if you must know and making it a healthy 1-2 pound a week weaight loss)!

although, the prize is him paying for my camera that i bought before our colorado trip..so i really really really want to win.

realizations and acceptance

2010-09-09T09:57:00.004-05:00

i was riding in the beast, listening to silence. around me - i could see for miles and miles.

dust would fly up in the air and swirl around every time a car would come barreling from one of the many unpaved roads.

i leaned forward and decided to listen to some music. silence soothes me. sometimes. othertimes, i hear the whirl of my thoughts twirling around and i can't seem to make them go away, let alone stop them.

its a public radio that i accidentally turn into. after scanning for other stations, decided that this was probably the only clear station i was going to get for a while.

the man is talking about obama.

i start my tuning out process and fix my eyes at the cloudy horizon. ts hermine is supposed to be in texas. we're headed for the storm.

he proceeds about a survey. that over 60 % of Americans view themselves as better looking than the average. i shrug at the hubs.

he then goes on and essentially rips the american public. the question arises that if you view yourself as better than the average and clearly you are not. you're living in denial. there are millions of people in the US that's overweight or obese. if you are obese, and yet you still view yourself as being better: WHAT or WHOM do you consider as average?

i was pulled into his conversation. yes, growing up i never questioned how i look. people did it for me. "oh, you're so pretty" "oh, you're so thin!"

the older i got - the wider i got. and yet, every time i look in the mirror, my reflection only showed the image of myself before i got this obese. kudos to me for embracing my new body, but at the same time....if i don't accept the fact that i am obese....at least 47 pounds more than what i should be for my body mass index to call me "normal" - when will i stop the nonsense eating? when will i actually say today is the today! not tomorrow where i work out nonstop. i mean, that today i will put on those awesome sneakers and enjoy today's beauty?

will i stop when i am diagnosed with diabetes? what about when i get my first heart attack?

and what about the hubs? i claim i love him infitely - but i am slowly killing him by encouraging to go to this burger joint or steakhouse. what does that say about me as a wife?

the man on the radio keeps going and i no longer am listening. somewhere on highway 183. between the oklahoma and texas border. i look at my reflection on the car window. look at the hubs and then out to the cloud bands of hermine.

sighing and accepting.

i am obese. the hubs is obese.

and we need to straighten out before its too late. this is me and this begins my journey and misadventures of going from 172 pounds to 125.

touching the sky via mt. evans

2010-09-06T19:24:00.007-05:00

i HATE rollercoasters! its a chore to even get me on a FERRIS WHEEL. its not that i hate or am afraid of heights...its seeing the concrete so close that images of "splat" .....well, i prefer to stay on solid ground.

what ever possessed the hubs (who is as equally fearful of "splat") and me to want to grab a map and venture up a mountain?!

i wanted to really go on pikes peak cog railway. having someone drive me (and maybe with the company of other tourists) made me think "safe." no images of "splat" ever crossed my mind. i also think that having ridden the train when i was younger and surviving it - well...surely, i could do it again!

unfortunately, stomach troubles delayed our trip and made us miss our reservations. i wanted to go up a mountain, darn it! and the hubs willingly wanted to drive up mt evans - 28 miles of paved road up 14,000+ feet.

going back and forth - i finally let him lead me.

i think after this trip, rollercoasters would seem such a blast! ascending 1,000 feet per mile made my tummy churn and after a few narrow-so-close-to-the-edge turns.. i was ready to stop and turn around....if there was only a place to do that. the first 14 miles was nothing! as soon as we got onto the 14 mile toll road to go up. each mile seemed so slow....

but good LORD: the view at the top was worth every deep breaths of fear. mountains as far as the eye can see. it was cold, for obvious reasons; but no snow on the ground. to drive up was an exhilarating moment at the top....makes me wonder what it feels like to climb a mountain? i saw so many hikers that i wanted so badly to join them. me in my sweater, ears cold from the wind, sneakers that don't do much as far as traction...and let's not forget the "splat" images....wanted so badly to hitch a backpack and walk this behemoth of a mountain.

God's infinite beauty is indescribable. to see blue sky and mountains - the cliche "on top of the world" are the feelings that i could muster. there's absolutely nothing like it.

on the way to the top

marker at the top

at the top

what a view

cave of the winds

2010-09-04T22:55:00.003-05:00

i remember (slightly) being here when i was a kid. my parents LOVED to take us to educational, scenic and whatever they find on a map that said "points of interest" you can bet we were there.

the sights don't really change - you're still not allowed to touch anything. the stalagtites and stalagmites aren't going anywere and since it takes a thousand years for them to grow a cubic inch....nothing's changed, really.

but its always different to be with someone else. to try to picture the first time you went and know what you've experience is what they're feeling at that moment.

the hubs and i walked in a group of various ages and cultures. oohed and aahed on cue with the rest of the tourists and itched to touch things that they told us not to touch (or maybe that's just me).

today was a beautiful day and i can't wait for the hot air balloon classic tomorrow!

exploring garden of the gods

2010-09-04T22:47:00.002-05:00

the scientist would say "look at how wind erosion and rain did to these rocks."
a person with faith would exclaim "thank you dear Lord - for letting me experience such beauty."

the rain and wind over thousands and thousands of years didn't just erode these rocks - they created something beautiful.

an hour drive south of denver, we drove to these rock formations. the road was filled with panaramic views of the rockies. i am slowly falling for this place.

my brain is still going a hundred miles an hour, but here - there's a sense of serenity and tranquility. maybe the air up here is so thin - you really rarely have time to think about the to-do lists.

~ cOlOrAdO ~

2010-09-04T10:41:00.004-05:00

on the road

Three days ago, the hubs and I had absolutely no sense of where to go as far as vacation spots are concerned. vegas? no - i'm not really into that. florida? ehhh. hawaii? too expensive. mexico? don't have passport updated yet.

for whatever reason, we thought about colorado springs. i got shot down at first and when the hubs kept researching this or that - it just clicked for him. i haven't been here since i was 11 or 12.

imagine. dad with his big atlas, mom with her crocheting needles and three little brats in the back. i was always in the middle. and when we got the van - my big sis always had the biggest space. i had to share with the little one....its ok, though. she's one of my best friends.

i love road trips. i have a memory bank filled with road trips every summer which resulted in my family's being to 27 states.

the hubs wasn't a tough sell. he had grown up driving 20 some hours to mexico with his family.

so thurs we embarked on the road.

and since we're on vacay mode: had no time limit to our destination or anything.

the first stop: clinton, ok.....remember when i had to work and live at a hotel for a week? it was a wonderful visit with friends who looked less stressed out and more relaxed. they have a beautiful home and felt great catching up....they will also be on our stop on the way back to tejas.

it took us a while to get to denver (apparently, there's this huge hot air balloon classic that's happening in co springs thats got every hotel and motel booked up for the weekend).....denver so far is beautiful. i can't wait to explore!

on the back of my mind though, i'm constantly thinking of work and school - how long before that goes away?

ive got the attention span of a 5 year old

2010-08-29T20:52:00.002-05:00

its not pretty. i don't think i have add or anything like that. my mind will be focused on one thing and something distracts me - i start working on another thing and before i know it...ive got seven different things started, but none have been finished....

i've started my mph class. the trouble is: i can't seem to sit still enough to work on a project. there are many faces of the new digital graduate student. many places in the world from buenos aires to the different states in the us. i wonder if they are having the same mental "hiccup." though i highly doubt it. it could be jitters.

it could be a personality disorder for all i know.

anyways: the purpose of this blog today was to give thanks for a highly productive day. i walked 59 minutes of a hilly 5k. there were great sticky hugs from the cute nieces and a 16 oz java heaven with the sis.

i'm following the footsteps of this gretchen rubin author of 'the happiness project'

i haven't actually started the book yet (just bought today) but skimming through i did catch that she urges you to write a few things that made you thankful for the day. despite the textbook calling my name, or my gre still collecting dust - my 5 year old distracted brain wants to jump into this book.

maybe i'll learn something new.

eat, pray, love

2010-08-15T21:58:00.002-05:00

i'm glad that although i bought the book several months ago, i haven't actually had the time (or willpower) to read it because that would have ruined the movie experience, i think.

elizabeth gilbert writes about her decision to essentially drop everything: divorce and the strong emotions that come with that; love affair with a younger man and the heartache of falling in and out of love.....

she embarks on three countries: italy - to learn and immerse herself in the italian culture and feast on italian fare. india - to learn stillness and peace and to indonesia - to find the wise (but toothless) medicine man who planted the seed of her journey.

this movie is REALLY long. and i don't think i could sit through a two and a half hour movie watching anyone but Julia Roberts. she's gorgeous, likable and would make an awesome traveling companion or host to these countries.

i love the idea of dropping everything to do a pilgrimage - whether it be in search of yourself, or your faith or love. i personally don't see myself dropping anything to wander across the globe...not alone, anyways.

this movie was made, obviously, for the modern woman. i found it pretty funny that my friend, my sis and i were the youngest people at the theatre. older women in their forties and fifties settling into their seats and preparing to be swept away with javier bardem in bali...although i don't really blame them.

i would recommend this movie for a rainy day spent curled up on the couch. boys wouldn't appreciate the scenery (you know - everything BUT julia) or the selfishness that propelled the writer to embark on her journey. i'm sure a therapist would have been less expensive.

where lei's little feet been this summer

2010-08-08T22:32:00.005-05:00

chillin' on a boat cruise on the riverwalk

rubbing 'elbows' or in this case -
perfectly pedicured feet -
with the rich at an awesome pga worthy resort and spa

at a beach

God's many faces

2010-08-08T22:27:00.003-05:00

if you ever have time to head to galveston island...make sure you have ample time to check out some of the architectures....particularly - their churches....

despite what you may or may not believe... faith is a beautiful architecture

charlie st cloud

2010-07-31T21:06:00.002-05:00

i'm not a zac efron fan. i'm not sure if i even liked this movie afterwards. i will say that this was beautifully shot, made me want to buy a sail boat and sail to cape cod.

inception - a review

2010-07-31T20:51:00.002-05:00

"to sleep, perchance to dream" - a midsummer's night dream, shakespeare

lots of movies have played up on dreams....and more have played on the concept of existence and subconsciousness...inception is another take on those dreams and our constant self questions of "is this reality?"

leonardo dicaprio is the man that can come into your dreams, steal your ideas and leave you wondering exactly what it is that happened. with inception, he is paid to plant a seed in someone's head for a price....

without going into details, lest the curious be spoiled before seeing this amazing movie, i'll just give two thumbs up. dicaprio does what he does best and that is to pull you into his world...or in this case, allow him to invade your dreams.

i will say this: its a treat to watch this in theatre and listen to how everyone else 'deals' with their emotional response and take on inception. there were two girls that sat three seats down from me and everytime she jumped, i could feel the chairs between us vibrate - she was so into the film and totally absorbed, you can almost feel her heart racing during certain scenes.

as for the end: i'll just type these two simple words she shouted: "that's bulls*%$t"

Sorcerer's Apprentice - a review

2010-07-31T20:23:00.002-05:00

i heart nic cage. i think the guy's quirks and kookiness is what makes him amazing as an actor.

in this disney film - he plays a sorcerer, Balthazar Blake - sent out on a quest to find the kid that can defeat morgana la fey...obviously at this point, previews are already showing jay baruchel as the kid that holds the key to end morgana....

its a kid friendly for the kid at heart. there are funny moments and moments that makes you squirm but all in all ....i had a great time...it is a disney film after all.

slowing down for a bit

2010-07-27T22:09:00.002-05:00

it seems like i've been on the go-go-go mentality these past couple of months...as if the audit train that's came and went hasn't let me off yet.

the hubs and i have been doing a bit of soul searching these past couple of weeks... sucks that sometimes, we had to do most of it over the phone! i don't know how women married to anyone in the armed forces can do it...months apart and i'm lucky that i get to call almost every night. my mom did it for a couple of years; leaving behind three little girls and a husband. a long time ago, i wanted to be a traveling nurse, now - leaving home for a few days - i don't think i'd care for it. there's absolutely a correlation (i think) between heaven and home.....how you define your home, at least.

i have had an incredible year. this is the post that sums up the last year leading up to the birthday i had last wednesday....i have nothing smart, or remotely interesting to say about the kind of year i've had. i'm blessed to have another year ~ i'm so amazed how fast time moves by and how little i find myself prepared for what's to come...no matter how detail i make my to-do list.

i can't remember the last time, i slowed down enough to sit and read a book! this week, i'll have a four-day holiday.....i'm excited to curl up with a couple of books: trying to finish eat, pray and love by elizabeth gilbert and my sister let me borrow charlie st cloud.

~ happy reading ~

Paramore: The Only Exception

2010-07-20T22:52:00.001-05:00

i thought i'd do something more differently than copy and paste lyrics on here. this is my ode to josey: since tomorrow's my bday, i don't particular care about anything at the moment - since my heart's on a rig somewhere in east texas....i love this some and this fit my mood tonight!