Philippians

I've been looking for a Bible study and was pleasantly surprised and delighted that Abigail decided to start one!

For this week, we are to read Philippians. I read this book it seems like a million years ago. My bible had little post it notes, highlighted what I thought to be important then and starred different verses throughout this short book...well, letter actually.

During my read, I stopped every so often and wondered why I highlighted that particular verse or commented on a certain word.

It feels like a total stranger wrote all these notes.

A stranger who at that point in time really pondered which side they belonged on. Verse 1:15 "It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill."

In bold black ink were the words, which one are you?

Funny, at a time in my life where I clearly knew where I stood, I had to ask myself that question. And now where I sometimes don't know what to do and have days where I look for answers.......it seems more haunting, I think. My 21 year old self is asking my 29 year old being where is it now that I belong to? Am I still with Christ? or have I completely done a 180 that I am almost unrecognizable to myself and to Him? Do I talk about Christ out of envy with others knowing that they are where they should be and I am not? Have I started to talk about Him out of rivalry that 'haha you can not possibly know what it's like to be with Christ, but let ME tell you what MY experiences ARE?

Shame. Guilt. But in a small post it 'don't be ashamed - as long as you are both talking about Him?' Verse 1:18 "But what does it matter? The important thing in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached."

Verse 3: 13-14 "......But one thing I do. Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Yes, at one point, I did walk in the light and had friends who obeyed and exuded such love and understanding. I need to remember those moments of clarity and for once, peace.....I need to forget about what had happened in the 8 years. Eight years of selfishness, of fighting with God, of wondering, of bargaining.

There was this goal once. And somewhere in my heart, that goal has never left me. Otherwise, I wouldn't continue to look and search for Him.

What do your actions say about you? Which side are you on? IS your goal still TOWARDS HIM?